his weakness

fifty four

K E N Z I E

Sitting on the dining table after a very long time feels peculiar. The past two hours that I have been sitting here for has slipped by in complete silence, the emptiness of the house magnifying the anticipation of dad's soon-to-be arrival.

It's surprising; I didn't know I could sit still in one place for such an extended period without getting up. Not a wink of sleep has graced me either. It's just been a day filled with nothing but my own thoughts. I guess this is what grief feels like.

When I left from Nolan's with all of my belongings, he was nowhere to be seen. The boys who happened to be home tried talking to me but I didn't want to. Because I knew if I spoke a word to them, I'd burst out crying. Since then my phone's been blowing up with messages from them.

So much has happened in the past 24 hours, my mind is still struggling to comprehend it all. Most of me is thinking about mom, then the other half is thinking about Nolan and a quarter of it is on about mine and Kieran's conversation earlier. I tell myself how bad I feel for him but then the next second I start telling myself how fucking annoying he is for making me do what I did and then telling me what I've been wanting to hear for a while when it was too late.

I can't put what I'm feeling into any words at all, it's impossible to describe these emotions. It's something I've never ever felt and I want them to go away as soon as possible. I don't think I'll be able to continue with my life like usual until I stop these emotions getting to me.

This month but last year me would never believe everything that's happened to me so far.

Everything is shut out as soon as I hear the door unlock itself, automatically knowing who it is already. I've been so nervous to meet my dad because we haven't talked properly in weeks. And now I'm having to meet him after my mom dying. I'm not sure what to expect from the upcoming conversation. Are we going to argue like always? Is he going to force me to go with him? I don't know.

"Kenzie?" A voice I didn't realise I dread this much calls out.

"I'm here dad." My weak voice calls out.

"What are you doing here?" He comes into view, looking much different. He's grown a beard now, and seems incredibly tanned.

"Just sitting." I speak, showing no interest in his appearance. I did tell him I don't want him to come here but he didn't listen. "You here by yourself?" I ask, in hopes that he says yes.

"Yes. I didn't bring them with me because I know you don't like them. Last thing I want right now is to make your life more difficult." The pity in his face is so evident, I can read him so easily. He's not here because he actually gives a fuck, he just surprisingly feels bad. Even that shocks me.

"Dad. Why are you really here?" I look up at him and his facial expression softens in a way I haven't seen since I was a kid.

He pulls out a chair from the table, and takes a seat opposite me. "Because I know you need someone right now more than anything." The tone in his voice makes this all feel like a dream. I can't believe he's being this nice.

"I would've been fine without you." I hide the anger and sadness in my voice as I look down on my lap, refusing to make eye contact with the man who failed me as a child all the way till I was old enough to understand everything.