his weakness

twenty one

K E N Z I E

Everything about Nolan confuses me and that's what draws me towards him more. It's none of my business what goes on in his life but I always find myself wrapped in it.

The way he acts, there's got to be a reason behind it. Everyone always has reasons to why they act the way they do. There's just something about him, he makes me feel so nervous every time he comes near me. No one has ever made me feel like that but I hate him, of course I do. He may have saved my life but he's the one who also ruined it.

I don't understand any of this. I don't get why he's so worried I might tell someone about him. About how dangerous he is which I won't. I've probably made things even worse for myself after that whole outburst I had with him. He's not going to let me go anytime soon, I know he won't and I also know he won't kill me. He's had so many chances to end me but he's never done it. I've provoked him many times but not even once has he tried to hurt me.

My mind keeps thinking about him, and I literally cannot stop. It's only been a day since I last saw him and he's been in my head non-stop since he walked out of that classroom. I have a gut feeling something wrong or bad has happened and his dad being over is definitely not a good thing.

The image of him and Nicole also won't stop appearing and it's bothering me on a whole different level that I didn't think was possible. Am I jealous? No. I'm not. I'm more mad at Nicole than Nolan because it's totally a type of act he'd act upon considering the douchebag he is but for her to do that has only made me hate her even more.

I'm afraid the next time I see her, I'm going to have an outburst. I'm afraid that if any other minor inconvenience happens in my life from now on I'm going to lose it. My heart has been feeling unusually heavy, like it's being suffocated inside of my body. Too much has been going on, I can't get a break. I need rest, I haven't slept properly for a while because everything is keeping me up.

I manage to leave my room after a long day of sulking in bed. As I make my way down stairs, I spot suitcases lined up in the hallway. Oh right, they're leaving today. Excitement rushes over me but vanishes the second my dad speaks."We're leaving now. I'm not sure how long we will be long but it will be a while. If you need anything, let your mother know, please refrain from contacting me, Janice or Nicole while we are all on holiday." There's a complete stranger speaking to me right now. That's how I feel most of the time when my dad tries to talk to me.

The rudeness and his stern tone irks a certain nerve inside me, a very bad one that's been itching to be provoked all day. And unfortunately, it's about to get what it wants. I take a deep breath, making an attempt to stop anything I'll regret saying leave my mouth.

Failing miserably, I open my mouth, "Do you even have any idea what's happening to mom?" Another outburst incoming. But it feels right, I have to humble him and make him feel like shit before he steps foot in another hot country while my mom who's been a good person her entire life suffers. It's so unfair the way the universe works, I'll never understand why and how.

"No. And I don't care. I have my own family to take care of, I don't want to know what's happening in your mother's life. But if it makes you any happier then tell your mom I've said congrats to whoever she has found to be with." An urge enters my state of mind, tempting me to throw anything to let out all the frustration I'm feeling. How can one be so ignorant?

"Oh you're fucking ridiculous," I start laughing "No dad, she hasn't found a fucking man to be with or whatever you think. She's got cancer!" I raise my voice in a manner I've never spoken to my dad with. My mom doesn't want him to know but it's just not fair.

"She's got what?" His facial expression unexpectedly drops, shadowing the shock he must be experiencing.

"You heard me. But don't you dare act like you give a shit. She doesn't need you and neither do I." So many words are being left unsaid but at the end of the day, he is my dad and still provides a roof over my head. I can be disrespectful but I know when to not cross a line.