his weakness

thirty seven

K E N Z I E

"Prom is in like ages, why the hell are there posters everywhere already?" Maxine talks from beside me as we both walk towards our lockers.

"Don't know." I reply bluntly, opening my locker and shoving my bag in.

"Something's up with you, tell me." She stands next to me, waiting for me to talk.

"Nothing, I didn't get any sleep last night." I didn't, I haven't been able to sleep for the last three days.

"Why haven't you been getting any sleep?" She asks and I'm starting to get annoyed at her and the questions she's asking.

"Because I couldn't sleep, now quit with the questions." I snap, slamming my locker shut.

"And.. you're mad. Not a good sign, something has happened and you're not telling me." Max knows me well, she knows when something is wrong but I don't know if I want to tell her about me and Nolan.

"I'm stressed about school. Graduation is close by and I don't know what I'll be doing after it." My plan was to runaway and I'm still considering it. I want to move away from here with my mom and leave everything behind.

"It's months away, don't worry babe! No one has no idea what or where they'll be going after, you're not alone so don't stress. And during summer, we're all going to have so much fun, you won't even have the chance to stress about anything!" She assures me and I put on my fake smile.

The past three days have been absolutely dreadful. I don't feel like myself, empty and different. It's astonishing how much Nolan cheating on me has affected me. It's not just about getting over him; it's something deeper. My feelings for him are far stronger than I ever anticipated. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have let things escalate to this point, never should've let my feelings cloud my judgment.

It's sad how everyday at school, I pretend I'm looking around when I'm actually looking for him but I haven't seen him. He hasn't been in school and neither has Chase. Or Alyssa.

In my mind, I try to convince myself to hate him, but I can't. Even after he's broken my heart, the love I feel for him remains. I may act like I hate him, but deep down, I'm still in love with him. Every fiber of my being aches to see him, even if it means witnessing him with Alyssa.

It's like he lives in my mind, he is the only thing I fucking think about and I hate myself for still wanting him. I now understand how all the girls that were obsessed with him felt but it's always been Alyssa. I thought we had something serious, I thought he felt the same but he didn't.

After opening up to me, I really thought we would last. I can't think about the memories we did end up making without any pain, I don't want to forget them.

"What do you have now?" Maxine asks while I walk her to her lesson.

"Maths, I think." I reply.

"Ooh, with Nolan right?" I really do not want to be reminded of that.

"Yeah but he rarely attends his classes." Not even rarely. He never attends his classes apart from Maths, he use to go to it only for me. Just so we could see each other.

"Hm, okay. Anyway, I'll see you after school!" She squeezes my hand and walks into her class.

It's the last period now, and exhaustion weighs me down. My sleep schedule is a mess, I don't get enough rest anymore. I sleep right after school, wake up at midnight, and remain awake for the rest of the night. It's draining, but I'd rather sleep during the day and then spend my nights brooding over a boy. The emotions hit differently at night, a mix of pain and an intense yearning for someone. It's strangely satisfying, in a way.