his weakness

sixty five

K E N Z I E

The entire journey home was heavy, each mile stretching the silence among us, thick with sorrow and shock. None of us could look at each other for too long; the weight of Kieran's loss and everything that had happened made any attempt at conversation impossible. When we got back to the Air BNB, we had to tell Uncle Mario , and it felt like reliving the heartbreak all over again. His face crumbled when he heard the news, and watching him break down like that was painful.

Kieran's death definitely hit Vanessa, Nolan and Uncle Mario a lot hard than they must have expected. I think it's because they didn't have the opportunity to tell him that they forgive him for everything even though they weren't ready hence why they didn't and only felt the regret after his passing.

It's been about 3 hours since we've landed back to NYC and all I've done is shower, eat and sleep. The mood is quite dull in the house and I wish I could change that but it is what it is. We all need to give each other space while we try to readjust back into our lives after such an event. I'm sure all the boys are fine, I mean they never really had much of a relationship with Kieran or talked to him at all but Chase. He hasn't left Nessa's side at all ever since she was kneeled down next to Kieran's body and it shows how much he truly loves her.

I talked to Sam, Theo, Kai, and Miles. The conversation lasted about 15 minutes of them explaining how Nolan had been acting so different and distant for the last couple of weeks, and they're happy I'm back so everything can go back to its old ways. But I don't know when that'll happen because me and him still haven't had the chance to discuss what the hell is going on between us. I want to assume that we're back together but I'm not sure if that's what he wants.

His mental breakdown embarrassed him and I know it did because the second we came back home, he left a second later to handle something 'very important.' Did it make me sad? Yes, very. But I'm also incredibly emotional right now because my feelings are all over the place considering all the shit that's happened in my life. So maybe I'm being dramatic. It's like I'm living in a movie. Not a good one, though. One that has all sorts of fucked up shit happening to the character.

The whole moment keeps replaying in my overwhelmed state of mind. It's like flashbacks of mine and Kieran's conversation in the car and then a random picture of his dead body just appears in my head. Over and over and over again. It's disturbing my peace which god knows in how long I'll feel but I want it stop.

I can't begin to imagine how Vanessa feels. I know she blames herself for being a shit sister. But she was probably the best one Kieran could have ever asked for.

Enough of the endless spiral of thoughts. I take a long, deep sigh, finally pulling myself up from where I've been lying on Nolan's bed. My body feels stiff from staying still for so long, and my eyes are dry and out of focus from staring blankly at the ceiling without blinking. Every time I close them, flashes of everything that's happened come rushing back, uninvited, and I feel that familiar weight in my chest, pressing down.

I rub my eyes, trying to bring myself back to the present, back to the safety of this room, away from the madness that's still settling in my mind. I need to snap out of it somehow, move, breathe, do anything but lie here. It feels wrong to just sit in the quiet, but it's all I have right now.

I should go see what Nessa's doing.

Quickly throwing on Nolan's grey sweatshirt over my bra, I exit the room, walking down the hallway to her room. Her doors are slightly open so I knock and peek my head through the gap.

"Hey," I mumble softly while smiling as I look at her leaning against headboard with Chase fast asleep on her lap. It's 10pm so of course he's sleeping. He always sleeps early.