his weakness

forty

N O L A N

Sucks not being able to spend my day without Kenzie but her mom needs her. I can't always have her all to myself, she has a life and people need her. She has other things to do other than staying with me constantly.

However, thoughts of Kenzie occupy my mind relentlessly. I find myself unable to do anything without thinking about her. It's as if she's consuming my every thought. This attachment is something I feared. My past experiences have shown that I often lose the people I care about, and the fear of losing Kenzie is looming over me.

If I lose Kenzie, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. I'm not going to end my life, of course I'm not. I'd turn into my old self again, maybe even worse. I don't want to though, Kenzie has changed my perspective on so many things. Acting cold is not going to get you anywhere. She's taught me that which is one of the reasons why I like her a lot.

I don't want to rush my feelings. I could be in love, I think I am but I don't know. I'm not going to convince myself that I am, when the time comes I will admit it myself.

It's all new to me. Being in a relationship. I know how they work and so far, I'm doing a great job. I hope. Since the Alyssa situation we haven't gotten into any arguments, not that I can remember of. Even before it, we didn't.

Me and Kenzie are doing good. And it will continue like this for however long. And I wish that long is never going to end. I feel happy around her and knowing she exists excites me which isn't a familiar feeling to me at all. All I am looking forward to is her coming home tomorrow, it's the only thing keeping me going right now.

It angers me, thinking about anything wrong happening to her. What is happening to me? Seriously. This isn't normal, feeling for a particular human being like this is so wrong. How can you be so attached to someone you haven't even known for a year?

All of these thoughts are so random. Why am I even thinking about her getting hurt?

Come on, Nolan. You'll see her tomorrow, it's not that bad. You've got this.

"Nolan?!" I feel someone shaking me from my thoughts, placing their hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, what?"

"What are we going to do about Kieran?" Sam asks. Right, I can't forget about him and the whole party fucking thing. My mind is going to explode with the amount of shit, it's going through right now.

That is a good question though. What are we really going to do about Kieran? I wasn't thinking that night, I can't pull up to his house and kill him. I have to be smart, and I need to get rid of the habit of always letting my anger take control of my actions.

"Killing him is a good idea but stupid at the same time." Kai chimes in.

"No. Not really. I mean if we're smart about killing him then it's not really stupid, is it? Theo joins in.

"Nobody and I mean nobody is killing my brother. Murder isn't the solution to everything. You're all thinking stupidly." Vanessa snaps. As much as I wanted to kill Kieran that night, I can't. Maybe then, I thought I could have because of how much I was fuming but now if I really think about it, I can't. And I sure as hell wouldn't let any of these lot kill him.