I didn't take my meds today.
Two days ago Caitlin Adams asked if I was bipolar because I was into her on Monday but by Friday I had figured out that she was too demanding.
But those words, that question... it seeped into my soul and tarnished my tho...
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"Fearne this is my tall, dark, handsome, Italian boyfriend." Lexi beamed as she introduced us.
"Also known as Diego." He extended his massive hand my way and I shook it. He had a firm grip that almost shuddered my whole body. He was older than us, but then again so was Lexi.
I was half expecting to walk into a high school party but this was different, everyone seemed older, cooler. They served drinks from a bar and the whole place had more of a nightclub vibe than a house party.
"I'll get the drinks in." Diego took out his thick wallet and stalked off towards the bar. I sat in a booth filled with strangers, I'm guessing they were Diego's friends. Lexi spoke to them all like she had known them forever, but she was very sociable like that. She had a natural ability to talk to anyone like she had known them forever.
Diego brought over a tray of drinks, mostly glasses of brandy - my fathers choice of drink. He had a drinks trolley at home and on the toughest days I would steal from it. Not because I liked the way it made me feel but rather I liked the way it made me not feel. I got so good at masking my drunk. He could never tell if I was drunk or sober.
"So we do this thing, everyone takes a turn getting in the rounds. Each person orders everyone their favourite drink." Lexi explained as she sucked through a very thin red straw.
I swallowed back the brandy, it was smooth and warm, filling my taste buds with unwanted nostalgia.
Between the flowing drinks I learnt that Diego and his friends were professors at the local university. He used to tutor Lexi before their study sessions turned into something her father shouldn't be paying for. I sipped a dirty blonde martini and watched as they cradled one another on the dance floor.
"Hey gorgeous, I'm back with your drink." Andrew slipped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me closer. I grabbed the strawberry daiquiri out of his hands and licked my lips. This was my drink of choice and I had never even had it before today.
Mixing my drinks was going to my head faster than it probably should. I became overly chatty whenever I was drunk and giggly, I'm sure the men sitting around the table were vastly getting annoyed with me.
"I need to use the little girls room." Lexi pulled me away from the table, Andrew dropped his arm unexpectedly.
I stumbled after her, wadding through the dance floor crowds. She reapplied her lipstick in the mirror and blotted her lips together. I traced my finger around the faucet, leaning against the wall to support my weight.
"So you and Arlo have never hooked up?" I blurted out. Her eyes flicked my way for a nano second before she started re-doing her hair.
"No Fearne, he's all yours." The amusement in her smile was clear.
"I don't want him." I defended and she rolled her eyes.
"I never understand why people deny their attraction to one another." She slipped Bobby pins back into her hair absentmindedly.
I knew why I was denying it, in my mind it was clear. I went most of my teenage years getting preached abstinence. I never masturbated. I never thought about sex in a way that made me want to do it. I never felt so out of tune with my body that I could scream in frustration. Then Arlo fell into my life and within minutes I've broken every vow I made to myself.
I kissed him. I saw him naked. I thought about him naked. I touched him. I fantasised about him. He made me want to touch myself.
"You know what to do to get his attention." She shook her phone at me and raised her brows up and down suggestively. Then she burst out laughing. "Jesus Fearne, don't look so scared! Arlo isn't that intimidating."
She finished up with her hair and then washed her hands and dried them on a paper towel. She turned to me, seriousness in her eyes now and placed her hands on my shoulders.
"Look, if you really want to know why I'm so close to Arlo it's because he's always there for me. Last summer I got into trouble. I hooked up with some sleeze-ball and he got me pregnant." I gasped and automatically my eyes shot down to her stomach.
"Arlo was there all the nights I cried on his shoulder. He was the one driving me to the appointments. He held my hand while I swallowed down tablets. He supported me afterwards while I cramped on the sofa and then he told nobody. He's a good guy Fearne and you'd be lucky to end up with someone like him."
"I don't know what to say." I admitted cowardly.
"I know, you're religious... probably against abortion but it is what it is."
"I do want to preach pro-life to you right now but I would be a hypocrite. If I found myself in your situation I would be too terrified to even contemplate keeping it. Unmarried and pregnant? My father would kill me."
That and I'm beginning to learn my beliefs aren't everything they're made out to be. They're a force of control, Lexis life and attitude was freeing.
"That's sad. My dads would've supported me if I had told them, I know they would've." She grabbed my hand and walked me back through the dance floor, immediately hooking her mouth up to Diego's.
Andrew resumed his position, draping himself over me like that's where he belonged. He spoke to me, I don't know what he was talking about because I didn't care enough to listen but he seemed passionate about it.
He was tall, masculine and smartly dressed. He seemed to have his shit together, he looked too clean like his dress shirt had been professionally pressed. I didn't like that.
His eyes were small and beady, dark in colour. Brown but not like Arlo's. Andrew had black eyes, so black you could barely see where the pupil started. There was no sparkle of mischief or fun.
He laughed and my eyebrows raised in surprise. I laughed too, only out of politeness to make it seem like I was listening. But even his laugh was plain. I didn't want to see a genuine smile, I wanted a slow, sexy smirk. I didn't want to hear his funny stories or obvious jokes. I wanted sarcastic comments and light-hearted playful insults.
"You wanna get out of here?"
I don't know what came over me but I looked at this man and burst out laughing. I couldn't contain myself and he slowly removed his arm from my shoulder.
"I'm sorry." I said, trying desperately to settle my laughter down. "It's just that... you're plain." His features all screwed together with distaste. "I'm sorry!" I laughed more, my stomach hurt with my laughter.
"Fearne..." Lexi said softly. It made me laugh more. Shit, my drunkness was turning me into such a bitch. I cleared my throat and straightened my posture.
"I'm really sorry. I don't mean to offend you but you're not ... you're not who I want." I stood up, swaying a little on my own two feet. "I'm gonna go."
Lexi knocked her boyfriends hand off her thigh and stood up too. "I'll come with you."
"No, you stay. I'll be fine. I'll call an Uber." She sat down slowly and I headed out bumping into a stationary table on the way.
I stumbled past a girl being sick in the shrubs and walked away from the music into the darkness of the suburban street.
I pulled out my phone with the intention of getting an Uber but instead my thumbs took me to his name in my contacts and I couldn't stop myself from hitting the call button.
