I didn't take my meds today.
Two days ago Caitlin Adams asked if I was bipolar because I was into her on Monday but by Friday I had figured out that she was too demanding.
But those words, that question... it seeped into my soul and tarnished my tho...
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She watched me, her delicate fingers tracing over my shoulder tattoo as I lay on my stomach. It was calming and soothing me to sleep.
Her beauty was undeniable in the most understated kind of way. Her hair was captivating, a rich auburn colour that could only be completely natural.
Her skin was pale apart from a rose blush that tweaked the tones in her cheeks and even in the darkness I could still visually see the light freckles dusting her whole face - something I found downright adorable.
"Do you like tattoos?"
"I don't know, tattoos are never something I've thought about but they do look pretty cool on you. You plan on getting more?"
I laughed and answered honestly. "No but I didn't plan on getting these so my tattoo collection will probably grow."
"What does it feel like for you?" I rolled over and rested up on my elbow.
"Just like a scratch, it's not really painful." I scratched her arm lightly and she screwed her face up at me.
"Being bipolar Arlo, not getting a tattoo." I sat up, instantly feeling uncomfortable.
"Oh." I muttered quietly. "It feels really real." Her eyes softened but I could see the curiosity within them. Blossom was burning with questions and I needed to let her ask them. It was an unavoidable conversation and I guess I should be thankful she's talking to me about it, not relying on google.
"I get hallucinations with my bipolar. I hear voices in my head, they often tell me that there are demons trapped in the people that I care about, or I see them taunting me. Sometimes I hear a voice of a higher power, usually Jesus. In those moments, I believe the reality of it to my core."
She grabbed my hand and smiled reassuringly at me.
"It's frightening to be like that. I can see the evilness in the people I love the most and I feel like they have bad intentions but it's my job to stop them. In those moments, I'm basically consumed by paranoia, fear and anxiety so badly that I feel like I might die."
"But they're the worst type of episodes aren't they? At the hotel you were -"
"Elated, yes. When I'm in that stage of mania I feel like I'm untouchable. Im a high and mighty power that everybody worships. Everything is good for me, I'm on top of the world and I do stupid things without thinking about consequence." I laughed with my head in my hands feeling embarrassed to remember it back. "I was so sure marrying you in a Vegas chapel was like the best idea ever. I didn't even fucking know you. You didn't even like me."
"I liked to hate you." She laughed.
"My bipolar kinda comes in transitions, it's not like this rapid changing mood swing that everyone thinks it is. Usually I can actually feel it switching. So I'll be stable, on my meds. Uh, I like to call that the middle, I'm always like a little hypo, I have ADHD - mix that with bipolar disorder and you get me acting out and being a dick a lot but the middle is my normal orit's as close to normal as I get."
