Finding the real Tony Stark

Chapter 20

Tony
My relationship status:
My wife just yelled at me because I was walking to loudly.
"Wait he has a wife!?"
"No it's from like the future sort of."
Nat really hoped she was the wife.

Natasha: well I might as well have married an elephant! It wouldn't talk in its sleep either.
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Nat:
Tony's latest sleep talking,
"Oh no, my elbows are drooling."
Tell me again how you guys consider him to be one of the smartest men in the world?
"I've been asking myself the same thing for years."
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Nat: what's the most awkward thing you've overheard?
Tony: I was at your house having dinner with your parents and we decided to tell your mom that we're pregnant and after the whole congrats, death threats, shovel talk and the whole don't tell the press it's a secret, I heard your dad and sister talking.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"That your sister did it with a multi billionaire and avenger?"
"I- sure yeah I was gonna say about the whole she can't be pregnant thing but sure... that too."

Yelena: you heard that?
Tony: oh yeah you know that corner by the mirror in between the living room and kitchen? I was right there trying not to crack up.
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"I-." Nat was speechless.
"I can get pregnant? We get pregnant? Me and Tony have a child!??" Nat stares in shock.
"Congratulations!" Alexie patted her back.
"Wait... I'm going to be a grandfather! He got you pregnant!"
"I'm sure that's not real..."
"What with the whole uterus thing?"
"Oh please don't go into details." Alexie groaned.
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Nat: Tony's sleep talking last night in his calmest but still commanding CEO voice.
"No, ma'am, I just asked you about the possum."
"I-..."
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Nat:
Tony's latest sleep talking, "if you do not stop I will put you back in the fridge. THE FRIDGE!"
What concerns me is that this applies to people we know.
"Wha- who?"
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Scene from Stark house:
Nat: why are there small handprints all over the wall?
Tony: (whispers) why are there small handprints all over the wall?
Little lexi: (whispers) because I have small hands
Tony: because Lexi has small hands.
This man is a Nobel laureate.
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Nat: is there a place where you can send your husband while you're wrapping presents so he stops ruining things? I'm asking for a friend.
"That is so relatable."
"Oh god you should see Clint at Christmas."
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Nat: I don't think it's possible but Tony got worse at wrapping this year.
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Tony: Nat said I walk like an elephant so I did the mature thing and snuck up on her 60 seconds later, scaring the shit out of her.
"Damn girl he snuck up on you and you didn't know!?"
"You can be scared?"
"I probably just like faked it..."
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Text messages,
Tony: hey Nat what should we eat for dinner?
Nat: Tony you're in a meeting pay attention
Tony: but I'm hungry
Nat: damn me too
Tony: how about tacos from that place down the road? Or shawarma
Nat: ok tacos sounds good
Tony: see I knew I married you for a reason
Shit my part is coming up what am I supposed to be talking about again?
"He just loves food... especially in the most inconvenient moments."
"Understandable."
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Tony: I know it sounds mean but when I'm mad at my wife and want to lash out I blow her candles out then blame it one the kids.
"That's a bit harsh..."
"A bit to far."
"Rude."
"That's just pure evil... but so smart."
"Kids... as in plural?"
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Nat: just overheard this
Tony: LEXI WHAT THE HELL!?
Lexie: what? You said it's more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow
Tony: uh yeah... your own elbow!
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Nat: you forgot to wash the dishes again didn't you?
Tony: *drinking juice out of an old paw patrol sippy cup* no, why?
"He hates doing dishes."
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Tony: I might be working at home, but I'm keeping it professional.
Nat: can we at-least have this conversation outside of the blanket fort?
Tony: no.
"His blanket forts are the best!"
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Tony: (trying to do a magic trick) pick a card any card!

Nat: ok

Tony: not my credit card you cheater!
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[team get stuck underground on a mission.

Tony: Fuck yeah! Phosphate rock.
Bucky: what's he doing?
Nat: probably making a bomb
Bucky: are you serious?
Nat: ask him
Bucky: what are you doing Tony?
Tony: I'm making a bomb do you mind?
Nat: a maniac with brains
Bucky: scary...
"Wait you and Tony get along!?"
"Rogers most of this is stuff from the future aswell as past so dwell on that fact."

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Nat: People always say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but you can find multiple different points of entry depending on how hard you stab.
Steve:
Clint:
Bruce:
Sam:
Peter:
Bucky: you sure you want that one?
Tony: abso fucking lutley!

"Awww."
"Nat you are just so sweet."
"He wants that one lol"
"I got that reference... I want one..."

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Peter: can we go to a haunted house?
Tony: what's wrong with the one we live in?
Peter: Wh- what?
Nat: goodnight Peter
"Way to creep me out..."
"I- is it!?"
"No Peter he's just joking."
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Tony: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao.
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Peter: *sneaks into the house at 2am*

Natasha: *turns in a swivel chair* care to tell me where you were?

Peter: i was with.. uh... Mr Stark!

Tony: *also turns in a swivel chair* care to- *keeps spinning* Natasha- i can't stop the chair-
"PAHAGAHAH."
"Peter!"
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Nat to Tony; You know, it's hard to appreciate you're actually a genius when all I can think about is shoving a tie in your mouth.

Tony smirking: kinky- oh wait you're serious...
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Nat: Tony forgot the word for the lid of a pot so instead he pointed at it and said.
"Hey where's the uh... the hat for that?"
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