Save Us First (Bucky)

22

Bucky woke up gasping for air, after his brain had decided to put him through another round of killings, each one worse and more brutal than the one before.
Instinctively, he put his hand out for Ivy, but she wasn't there.

He immediately started to panic, trying to figure out what to do, but there she was, entering the room.

She almost dropped the sandwich in her hand when she saw him freaking out like that.
The pain and fear in his face, it broke her heart seeing him like that.

"It's alright baby. It's alright. I'm here. You're here. It's okay. You're safe", she said immediately, wrapping her arms around him tightly, after throwing her snack onto the table.
"Shhh. Breathe, James. Just keep breathing. I promise, it's fine. You're not that person anymore", she whispered, while he clung to her body, slightly sobbing into her shirt.
She bit her lip, trying to hold down her own tears.
It was getting worse. A lot worse. Hydra seemed to slowly sneak its way back into his mind and that scared her a lot.

"I thought you had left", he said quietly, pulling her even closer to him.
She held him tighter, stroking his hair.
"Never", she whispered.
"I'd never just leave you like that, baby. I love you. So, so much, you know that, right?"
"Yeah. I know. And I'm sorry."
"No, don't be sorry. Don't. Don't you dare be sorry for that. I love loving you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And if you need me I'm there. That's the deal, right? We're there for each other when it gets ugly."

He buried his face on her neck and exhaled slowly.
"Getting better?", she asked softly.
"Yeah."
"Good. Okay. It's alright."
She carefully let go of him, then she kneeled down in front of him, taking his face into her hands.
"You're safe, okay? I promise."
"You can't promise that. But I know what you mean", he said, and lifted one corner of his mouth.
"Bucky..."
"Yeah, I know. Sorry."
She gave him a kiss.
"Don't do that to me", she murmured and kissed him on the temple, before she got up.

"Wait, where are you going?"
"I wanted to finish my sandwich?"
"Well - Stay."
He sounded almost desperate.
"Calm down, Sweetheart. Of course I'll stay."

She grabbed the sandwich and sat down next to him.
"You have to stop sleeping on the floor, Buck. My back won't let me do that for long", she said and lay her head on his shoulder.
"I don't know. The bed is so...big. And soft. Too much for me."
"Okay, how about this: you don't have to sleep in the bed, but we'll buy a mattress for the floor. One that's not too soft but one that will allow me to sleep without hurting myself. Okay?"

He chuckled and took her hand.
"Thank you", he said softly and gave her a kiss.
"Of course baby", she just said and continued to eat, while they were both staring at the TV, that quietly continued to show its program.

"Why are you even eating? It's like 2 am", he said, and she shrugged.
"I don't know. I dreamed something weird. And then I figured I could eat something."
He looked at her.
"You wanna talk about it?"
She shook her head.
"I barely remember. Was just something about...fights. We had a fight, I think. But it was so stupid that I realized it wasn't real. So I woke up."

"What were we fighting about?"
She sighed.
"Ivy, come on. You know all my demons."
"No, you haven't told me about your dream yet", she reminded him and he sighed, too.
"Okay. You tell me about yours, I'll tell you about mine."
"Deal. It was about...Sharon. Apparently my subconcious is jealous of her", she said, sounding embarrassed and annoyed at the same time.

He chuckled and laid his head back.
"Wow. Sharon, huh."
"Shut up, I know it's stupid", she said and finished her snack.
"I didn't say that. Jealousy isn't...rational. You know, I...sometimes I get jealous when Steve hugs you. Or when I see how close you are with Loki. It just...it triggers that fear of being alone again, I guess. That I could lose you to another guy."

"Oh, honey, you'll never lose me to anyone. We've already been throught that, I love them both, but platonically. Not like I love you. I could never love anyone like I love you."
"I love you too, doll. More than anything. And that you think I would cheat on you with Sharon is honestly insulting."
She giggled and curled up in his arms.
"I love you, Bucky Barnes."
"And I love you, Ivy Winston."
For a moment, there was peaceful silence, then she said: "Don't think I'll let you get away with this, you're still gonna tell me about the dream."
He sighed.
"Yeah. Alright."
And then he told her everything.

_

When Bucky woke up in the morning, Ivy was still sleeping, her head on his chest.
He softly stroked her face for a moment and had to smile.
She was so beautiful. Beautiful and sweet and caring and loving and the goddamn best thing in his life.
It was shortly after eight AM and he was wide awake.
Slowly he got up, trying not to wake her, and went to take a shower.
When the cold water hit him, he felt like his head cleared up a little.

The only thing in his fucking mind that he was sure of, was the fact that he was alive.
What else he was he couldn't tell.
A soldier. A victim. A friend.
A boyfriend.
He knew he was James Buchanan Barnes but he still didn't really know what that meant.
If that was a good thing or a bad thing.

He got out of the shower again, put on his clothes and sat on the bed.
The bed he never slept in.
The bed that Ivy so desperately missed some nights.
He knew it, even though she never said anything.
When he lay down on the floor she always just curled up in his arms and snuggled up against him, trying to be as comfortable as possible.
She just cared about being with him.
He should try and sleep in the bed. For her.
She did enough for him.
And even if he didn't sleep, at least she would.
A night without sleep also meant a night without nightmares.

The floor creaked and he turned around.
Ivy was up.
"Can I join you?"
"Of course you can."

She came up to him and softly touched his cheek.
"You okay?", she asked, and he nodded.
"Yeah. I'm okay."
"Sure?"
He nodded.
"Yeah."
"Good."
She smiled at him and he smiled back, before she kissed him on the forehead.
"Do you want to eat something?", she asked, and he shook his head.
"No."
"You're really not eating a lot, Buck. You should eat more."
"I know. I...I can't. I'm not hungry."
She looked at him a little worried, then she nodded.
"Yeah. Alright. I'm not gonna try and force you, but I'm worried about you, okay? Just take care of yourself baby."
"I am taking care of myself", he said, seemingly offended, and she chuckled.
"Taking a shower is not self care Bucky."
"Oh, it's not? Damn", he said sarcastically and pulled her onto his lap.

She straddled him, put her arms around his neck and leaned her forehead against his.
"You know what is, though?", she mumbled.
"M-Mh. What?", he asked, their lips almost touching.
"Eating and drinking like a normal person."
He sighed.
"I thought you were gonna say something cool."
"For example?"
"I don't know. Like, making out or something."
She thought about it for a second.
"Well, would that make you feel better?"
"It certainly would."
"Then we should definitely do it."
"Exactly what I was thinking", he said smiling and took her face into his hands to kiss her.