Save Us First (Bucky)

30

Ivy missed him terribly, especially at night.
The first few nights she hadn't slept at all.
Then she had asked Loki to stay with her for a little.
So he had held her until she had fallen asleep.
And then it became a daily thing.
At first it had felt weird, like she was betraying James, but nothing ever happened.
And because Loki and she were so close, she felt safer with him.
So, for once, she ignored James' feelings and did what was best for her.
Sleep.

One morning she woke up on Loki's chest, and when they left the room together, Bucky saw them.
He clenched his jaw, she saw his body tense up, and then he swallowed, before leaving the room.

Ivy wanted to run after him but she couldn't.
The fear drilled a hole in her stomach - what if he was angry and would hurt her again?
She knew it wasn't rational, but it was there.

Loki put an arm around her shoulder.
"Give him a little time to calm down", he said softly and she nodded.
"Yeah. Maybe you're right. Okay."

But a little time turned into two days.
Two days where nobody knew where he was.
On the third day, in the evening, he showed up again, walked straight past her and out onto the roof.

Ivy hesitated for a few minutes, then she followed him.

Bucky stared into the night sky with teary eyes when Ivy slowly entered the roof and sat down next to him, still keeping her distance.

He looked at her and quickly wiped over his eyes.
"I'm fine."

"I doubt it. But alright, you don't have to talk about it."

"I kinda want to, but then also I don't. We've talked so much about it I feel like there's nothing left to say that I haven't already said a hundred times."

"Yeah, I understand. I feel like talking about it is not enough to fix this."

"Question is, what is?"

"I don't know. Time, maybe."

"Hm."

"I didn't sleep with Loki, Bucky. I promise I didn't. But I can't sleep alone, and you're not there, so...I needed some rest. That's all."

"It's okay. I really am in no position to make you feel guilty", he mumbled and she sighed.

"No, probably not."

They were both silent for a moment, then he noticed that she had goosebumps on her arms.

"You want my jacket?"
"You ain't cold?"
"No."
"Okay, then. Thank you."

He gave it to her, she put it on and he had to smile.
"I always love seeing you in my clothes."

She snickered.
"I know, and I love wearing them."

"Can you sing something?", he suddenly asked and she raised her eyebrows.
"You want me to sing?"

"Yeah. You know I love your voice."

"Okay, uhm...what do you want me to sing?"

"You decide."

"I don't know, uhm...Heat Waves? You love it when I sing that."

"I do."

"Okay."

She cleared her throat and pulled the sleeves of his jacket over her hands, before she started to sing.
Sometimes all I think about is you...

She sang the whole song and he just sat there and listened and was in love with her.
He loved her so much.
Her voice, her smile.

She cleared her throat again when she finished and he smiled at her.
Ivy bit her lip.
"I'm so sorry, Bucky."

"Don't be. I am sorry. You're scared of me, that's not surprising. But I promise I'll never hurt you intentionally again. I just wanna stay around you.. And if you're gonna dump me...do it gently, please."

She sighed.
"Buck...I don't wanna dump you, I love you."

"Well then why can't we be together?", he said impatiently.

"Because you tried to kill me!"

"Well I didn't mean to!"

For a second they were both silent again and then they started chuckling.

"Wow, what an apology Barnes", she said.
"I already apologized."

"I know. I'm not mad at you or anything, I'm just scared. Our relationship is built on trust. Love. Good sex, yeah. But mostly trust. I trusted you with my life, 'cause I was sure you'd give yours to save mine."

"You know I would. In a heartbeat."

"I know. As would I. But...You promise that now, but you also promised you'd never hurt me. It wasn't your decision, I know that. But...my subconscious hasn't stopped worrying. I just haven't gotten over it, yet. I need you, Bucky. But I also need time."

He swallowed heavily, and she saw tears in his eyes.

"It was an accident, doll."
"Oh, Buck, I know that.
And accidents happen!
But after an accident there needs to be a recovery period.
If a broken leg takes weeks to heal, what do you think how long a broken heart does?
Sometimes it's the leg that gets broken...and sometimes it's the heart."

"I didn't want to break your heart. I always thought...maybe she's the one. The one that I've been waiting for 90 years."

Now a tear ran over his face.
Ivy swallowed and then softly wiped it away with her thumb.

"I am. I am the one. Don't cry, my love. It's not worth it."

"You're worth every tear I could possibly cry. And you know it."

His girlfriend smiled at him and then she suddenly burst out crying again, too.

"Oh...doll, please don't cry, it breaks my heart to see you cry", he said and stopped himself from hugging her.

She wiped her face, trying to hold in the sobs, but then she just suddenly threw her arms around him, crying into his shoulder.

James didn't really know what to do, but then he decided to carefully place his right hand on her back.
He didn't dare to touch her with his vibranium arm, too afraid to scare her away again, when he needed her so badly.
Like a butterfly needed its wings and like a fish needs water.

"It's all gonna be fine", he said softly, even though he slowly didn't really believe it anymore.

"I know it will. Because we love each other, right? We're gonna get through this together", she said sniffling and he nodded.

"Yeah. Exactly, doll."

Ivy gave him a soft smile.
"I used to hate that stupid nickname. I found it old fashioned and weird and stuff...until you started saying it. Ever since that, I loved it. Never stop calling me your doll, okay? Because I love being your doll. I always did."

Bucky smiled back and gently touched her face.
"I'm happy to hear that. Doll."

She smirked, trying to hide the fact that she had flinched a little, then she stood up and gave him his jacket back.

"I'm gonna go inside. Good night Buck, sweet dreams."

He swallowed, then he called after her.

"Ivy!"
"Yeah?", she asked, turning around in the doorframe, the arms crossed, the wind playing with her hair.
Bucky smiled.

"My name is James", he said, and the smile he saw on her face was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Alright."
"Good night."