Save Us First (Bucky)

28

When James woke up in the hospital room, his arm was chained to the bed.
A second later he saw why.
Ivy stood in the door, fidgeting with her hands.

"Hey."
He slowly sat up.
"Hey..."
"You're...alive."
"Yeah. And you are, too. Thank god."

She swallowed, sat down next to him in a chair, in safe distance, and now he looked her in the eyes.
She loved his eyes so much.
But now they looked tired, sad and lifeless.

"I...I don't even know what to say, Ivy. I'm...so sorry", he said.
"I know you are. And I know it wasn't your fault, but...it happened."
"I know. And I hate myself so much. I hurt you so bad, and...I broke all my promises, and I hate myself even more now that I said it."
"It still wasn't your fault."
"It sure as hell feels like it though."
"I know, I feel it too."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."

She sniffed
"I'm sorry, doll. I'm so sorry", he mumbled again, but then she remembered something.

"When I said that thing about letting your heart rule your head...you remembered something, didn't you? For a brief second."
He furrowed his brows, trying to remember.
"Yeah, kinda..I...I recognized the words. The phrasing. It was like when...when someone references a movie you haven't seen in a long time and it takes you a minute to understand. Something like that. But then it was gone again."

She scoffed and chuckled.
"I don't even remember when I said that to you."
"I do. It was after you got shot. We had our first...deep talk. The first time I realized we had some sort of connection. That's probably why I felt like I had heard that sentence before. Because at that time it meant something to me."

She nodded slowly, wiped her face and sniffed again.
"I hate this so much", she whispered and he lifted up one corner of his mouth.
"Trust me, you're not the only one."

"Oh, good to know I'm not getting crazy."
"Pretty sure I'm the crazy one here."
"You're not crazy. I love the way you think. I love everything about you. Even all that baggage that came with you. But now...I don't know if I can carry this much baggage."

He swallowed and then, after a few seconds, he looked up.
"If you can't - can we at least stay friends? If...if you're okay with it of course. I don't want to manipulate or pressure you into anything."
She sighed.
"See, that's exactly why I love you. You're a good guy. And yes. I- I'm not ready to lose you either. I just don't know if we can be together again. I - I know it's stupid but....subconsciously...I'm  scared of you. I just...need some time to heal."

"I'll give you all the time in the world."
"Thanks love."

_

"Dr. Raynor?"
Ivy slowly opened the door and Bucky's Therapist raised her eyebrows.

"Ivy. Can I help you?"
"Uhm..I think so. Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Yes, of course. Please, sit."

Ivy sat down, fidgeting with her hands.

"I...I can't sleep. I'm not hungry. And I can't even get my adhd medication because I'm on so many other stuff. I...I just don't know what to do. I...I always know what to do. I'm the one who saves people. Who stays calm under pressure. And then I found the Avengers and James and...suddenly I didn't have to be strong for everyone anymore, because they were strong for me too. And James...god I love him so much. And now this... What the hell am I gonna do? How are we ever gonna get over this?"

She sighed and buried her face in her hands.

Raynor took a deep breath.
"Ivy...You've just gone through a major trauma. Like, major major. It's completely normal to question your life."

"No, that's the thing, I don't question anything. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Even if I don't understand that reason. And I don't regret anything.
I love my life. And I love James. All I want is for him to hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay. But that's stupid and childish. Because if he'd try to touch me I'd freak out. And he won't tell me that it's gonna be okay because he doesn't believe it will be. "

"Ivy, that's not childish. He's your boyfriend, of course you want him to hold you. But I think you should take a few days off. When the shock wanes off, you might not want him back. You might think he's...an asshole and move on", Raynor said.

"No. No, I don't want to move on. That's the thing, I know I could and I know I probably should, but...I don't want to lose him. Never. I didn't know that before but now...I already forgave him. And that scares me."

"You forgave him? Even though he almost killed you?"
"Yeah but it wasn't his fault. If I did the same thing, I would want him to at least try and forgive me, too. Because...that's what you do when you love each other. Forgive."
"Ivy...are you sure? I mean, have you thought about this?"
"The whole damn night."
"You meant it when you said you couldn't sleep, huh?"
"I haven't slept in 50 hours. Yeah, I fucking meant it."

"Alright, listen. I'm gonna help you sleep, and then...I have an idea. If James and you are open to it, we could...try something like...couples counseling. Don't look at me like that, I know that doesn't fix it...but we can maybe get you two closer again. At least to a level where you can be in the same room with him, without fearing for your life every second. "
Ivy nodded.
"Honestly...I'd try almost anything, so.."
"Alright. Good. Then let's do it."
"Thank you. For everything."
"It's my job."