Save Us First (Bucky)

21

When Ivy entered his room, she saw Bucky standing there, staring at something in his hands.
"Hey, I'm back", she said smiling, and stopped when he didn't react.
"Buck? What's going on?"
He slowly turned around and she saw tears in his eyes.
"Oh. Oh no. What's wrong, honey? What's going on?", she asked and walked up to him, where she took his face into her hands.
"Talk to me, Buck. What's wrong?"

He took a deep breath, sniffing, and then showed her what was in his hands.
It was the picture of two men, in suits, smiling and waving into the camera.
"Who are they?", she asked softly.
He looked up and when his eyes met hers, she almost started crying too.
The pain and sadness in his gaze hit her like a bullet.

"I killed them, Ivy. I killed them both."
"Wh-What? Why?"
He swallowed.
"I didn't have a choice", he said eventually and she understood: he had been forced to kill them as the Winter Soldier.

"It's not your fault my love", she whispered.
He nodded, tried to smile at her, and then started crying.
She pulled him closer, before he dropped to his knees, his arms around her hips, silently crying on her chest.

Ivy wrapped her arms a little tighter around him, softly stroking over his neck and back.
"Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, just let it out. Let it all out. That was overdue anyways. Just let it out."
"Fuck", he whispered, and a tear ran over her cheek.
She always got so damn emotional with him.

"It's alright, James. It's alright", she mumbled into his hair, kissed his neck and continued to hold him.
He cried like a little kid, and she knew he needed it. He'd never had a real outlet for his emotions and crying was a damn good outlet.

"I can't do this anymore, Ivy", he eventually mumbled.
"I can't. I don't want to. Sometimes, I hate myself so much. How...how could you ever love someone like me? I'm a monster! I'm a cruel, brutal, murderous monster...I've hurt so many people, I killed Tony's parents, I almost killed Steve and Nat...how can you tolerate me, if I can't even tolerate myself sometimes?"

He sniffed again and Ivy bit her lip.
"I don't just tolerate you, James. Okay? I love you. I love you so much.
You're a good person, Bucky. All these things they made you do are not all you are.
But I know how hard it is. And I promise you, that it doesn't affect how we think of you. Steve loves you. We all know it's not your fault. You didn't have a choice. You didn't want to. You had to. But it's okay. It's okay", she said, while stroking his back and neck.

"It's not okay. It'll never be okay. But...thank you. Thank you for making me feel like I deserve to be loved by someone like you."
"You do deserve to be loved, Baby. One day, you will understand", she whispered.

He buried his face on her neck again, when the door was opened slowly.
"I knocked, I thought you guys were gone", Steve said slowly.
Ivy looked up, still holding Bucky in her arms.
"Not a good time, Steve", she said softly and stroked over Bucky's hair.
"You sure?", Steve asked and she nodded.
"Just...give us a minute, okay", she said and Steve nodded.
"Yeah, sure. Sorry."
He closed the door behind him and Bucky slowly looked up.

"Thank you. I...I couldn't face him like this."
"It's all good, love. You don't have to explain, I know. What do you want me to do? Just hold you?"
He smirked and wiped his face.
"Can I get a kiss? Or two?"
"As many as you want", she said softly and lay her lips on his.
He let his hand run through her hair, the other one on her waist and leaned his forehead against hers.
"Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me for being your girlfriend."
"No. Thank you for telling me the same things over and over again because I have a hard time believing them."
"I'll tell you every day if it's necessary."
"I love you."
"I love you too."

He kissed her again and they slowly stood up.
"Where did you even get that from?", she said and picked up the photo from the floor.
"It...it was in the mail."
She turned around.
"What?!"
"Yeah. It was in an envelope, with the obituary cut from a newspaper. It's...been 20 years soon."

"Who the hell would send you that?", she asked shocked and he shrugged.
"I don't know. I don't fucking know. And I don't like it."
"Okay, well...from now on, I will check the mail. Any envelopes to you, I'll check first. In case something like that will happen again."
"I hope not", he mumbled and she gave him a soft kiss.
"It's all gonna be fine, okay?"
"Yeah. Of course. Can we like...just stay here and cuddle or something?", he asked carefully, and she nodded, stroking over his face.
"Oh, of course we can."
"Thanks."
He pulled her into his arms again, and she kissed him on the cheek.
"I got you, my love."
"I know you do, doll."