Save Us First (Bucky)

29

Raynor had worked out some sort of a plan.
They would slowly bring them closer - starting with him not being tied to a chair, then sitting closer together, sitting next to each other and so on.
Ivy was really scared, as well as James was. But she was also quite excited. She missed him a lot.

During the conversations with Raynor, when they were forced to talk about their feelings, most of the time he said he felt guilty. That he missed her.
That he was sorry.
And then he got quiet and didn't say anything for most of the time left.
Ivy did most of the talking.
She was a lot better in expressing her feelings and she had the desire to talk about it.

Bucky didn't mind.
He liked listening to her and it helped him understand her better.
It also made him feel even worse about what happened, though.
Also, seeing her and talking to her made him miss her even more.
His nightmares were really, really bad again and now there was no one there to comfort him.

"James?"
He looked up.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I asked you what you miss the most at the moment", Raynor said, tapping her pencil on the side of her notebook.

"I...I miss waking up next to you. My nightmares are...worse than ever. And I miss you comforting me. 'Cause...I'm alone again now."
Ivy swallowed and Raynor nodded.
"Okay. Good. What about you, Ivy?"
"I...miss having you close. No matter what we did. I just wanted to have you as close as possible all the time. I miss talking to you. About the world. About what was going on inside our heads."
"I miss that, too", he said slowly.

Ivy sighed.
"How is this supposed to help? It just...hurts."
"We don't have to do this. But this is your only chance to get some time with each other without ten soldiers around you. You're...technically not allowed to be alone in a room with her, James."
He sighed.
"She's my girlfriend, for god's sake. I love her. I'm myself again, why would I hurt her now?"
"Not my decision. I would've let you see her."

Ivy rolled her eyes.
"What about me? Anyone asking what I want?"
"Well, what is it that you want, doll?", Bucky said and looked her in the eyes.

He didn't even notice that he was still calling her doll, it just happened automatically.

"I want this all to stop! I wanna stop being so scared of you, I wanna go back home with you, I want this all to disappear. Like a bad fucking dream. And then I wanna wake up in your arms."

They were quiet for a second, the three of them, then she carefully reached her hand out for him.
He bit his lip, then he took it, and for a moment they were just sitting there, across from each other.

"Amazing. You're making progress", Raynor said, and for a second she looked really proud of herself.
"Thank you", Ivy said softly and smiled at her.
Bucky lifted up one corner of his mouth, gently stroked over the back of Ivy's hand with his thumb and she exhaled slowly.
"Well. I guess that's a start huh", Bucky said and winked at her.
Ivy had to smile.
"Yeah. I guess it is."

-
"Bucky, that's great! I mean, that's like a huge step", Steve said when Bucky told him about their progress.
They were sitting in the kitchen of the tower.
"I know, but...it sucks. It hurts.
A month ago she fell asleep in my arms, telling me how much she loves me and now it's a huge thing that I'm allowed to touch her. That's bullshit man!", Bucky said frustrated.
"Well, you did try to kill her...I can't really blame her."
"I know. I was there", Bucky said annoyed.

Steve chuckled and patted him on the back.
"Give her some time. It's been what, three weeks? I honestly thought it would take her much longer. She must really love you."
"She does."
"Then she'll come back. Try to be patient."
"Thanks, Steve. I could have found that on google, but thanks."

Steve rolled his eyes and Bucky sighed, when Steve noticed something strange.
"Where are your dogtags?"
"Ivy has them. I...gave them to her before...you know. And I'm not gonna aske her to give them back, because as long as she's wearing them I'm still important to her. That means they still mean something to her. Which means I mean something to her."
"I never noticed that."
"I do."
Steve wanted to say something, when Ivy entered the room and stopped.

"Oh. Hey guys."

She carefully placed a hand on Bucky's shoulder, as if she was scared to get burned.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Yeah."

She sat down and scratched her neck, for which she pulled down her shirt a little, and now Steve could see the chain with Bucky's dogtags.
He had to smile.

"Glad to see you guys are doing better."

"Me too", Ivy said softly and James had to smile.
"Me too."