Serenade of Scars (Unedited)

Chapter 19

It had been over a week since I moved in with Jessica. She was a mother of two beautiful boys, a teacher and a part-time cleaner. Being a single mother wasn't easy and she wanted to provide her boys with the best life that she could possibly offer them. Most of the time I was in my room, trying to avoid small talks and crying myself to sleep. Never was there a moment when Jamal didn't cross my mind, and it hurt because Jesse would also come to mind. Before I left, I left him a short message, telling him that I wasn't going to be around because I had to go out of town to a place with no network. It burnt my soul not to have told him what had happened but...I was scared. I was afraid of the outcomes, of his reaction...of what would be left of our relationship. Within the third week, I had noticed how busy Jessica was and how her boys would always be hungry waiting for her to come back and cook them dinner, so I decided to be cooking for them.

I would cook dinner and disappear, that was my routine and I was guessing the Jessica had told her boys to stay clear of me. Truthfully, I wanted to talk to someone and that someone Jesse. My communication skills grew weaker every day because I hated the world. I stopped talking to God because he allowed it to happen, I mean...was I a bad servant? Nothing made sense and my father was coming in a few months and I was in a dark place.

No one knew what I was going through, no one would understand what I was going through. I had a damn soul tie! I was a fornicator. How would I face God after rape? Hate was the only word I could use to describe myself.

Soon it became a month staying with Jessica. For the first time in a while, I wanted to go outside, I wanted answers, I wanted to talk to Jessica. She was sitting outside, admiring her flowers when I stepped out. I was greeted with a warm smile from her as I found a chair to sit in. "How are you?" She asked, lovingly.

"I'm unable to answer that question," I answered.

She sat close to me. "You do know how to answer it."

I sighed. "I'm numb, stupid, foolish, tormented, dirty, sick, filled with so much grief and----" I just broke down. It was all my fault. If I had not gone there in the first place, I wouldn't be here. "I want to die."

"It's not your fault," Jessica told me.

"It is! I was drugged and raped," I replied in defense, as I got up and ran back into the house.

The next day, Jessica invited people over and called me down to join them as they sat in a circle. 5 women looked at me as they got comfortable and started sharing their stories. I couldn't do it. As heart-breaking as their stories were, I couldn't utter a word. So weak and vulnerable as we all were, we were used to satisfy the pleasures of our rapists. Only one of them had reported their rapist but got no justice. If I had to be in the same room with Jamal, I wouldn't know what to do. I was scared because I never imagined him like that. Using other people too fed your craving is wrong! How many people did he do this to? How many?

At all our meetings, I would always fall sick and start vomiting. I mostly had morning sickness and it was horrible. Was I finally going to die? Jessica took me to the hospital and we found out that I was pregnant. My whole world crashed.

Jessica left me at the hospital in the care of the nurses because she couldn't watch over me. She knew how badly I wanted to die when I got raped but now, I was pregnant and I didn't want the baby. I wanted an abortion if I wasn't going to die. Gosh, I went mad. On one occasion, I overdosed but didn't die. Why was God doing this to me? What was he teaching me? Why would he do this to his own child? I didn't understand anything.

I started therapy sessions and it was difficult. Jessica's sons always came to visit. They were twins, James and Joell, 9 year old but they were darlings. They would always want to play with me, as they loved being around me. Crying was so hard because my heart was dying. Truly, I wanted to feel loved but nothing. I was hurting. Sometimes they will catch me crying and just wrap their arms around me. Even at that moment, wanted to die.

"Jesse wants answers, Chloe," said Olivia.

"Tell him anything. I can't see him, Olly. I want to die," I cried.

"No, it's just a bad season. That child is innocent, Chloe. I can take care of him if you don't want him."

"You won't understand," I replied, as I hung up.

I was 10 weeks into my pregnancy and I was told that I was in stable to go home, so Jessica came to pick me up. When James and Joell saw me, they ran into my arms. Being strong was so hard because I was pretending that everything was okay, while it wasn't. "Are you staying?" Joell asked.

Differentiating them was easy because Joell had a mole on his nose. "Do you want me to stay?" I responded.

"Yes," they all agreed, as they displayed their baby faces.

"Then I'm staying."

Olivia had told me that she would come visit and I really waited for her, because I missed her. I missed seeing familiar faces. She was coming on a Saturday, which was super because Jessica was going to be home.

For the first time, I looked myself in a mirror as I pulled up my shirt to see if I showed a baby bump. Just then my door opened to Jesse. He smiled as he took steps back and left. I froze as I watched him go. Olivia told him?! All type of emotions were mixing up inside of me, as I was trying to decide whether or not to go after Jesse. In all honestly, my heart melt when I saw him. I made the decision of going after him it turns out that he had not gone anywhere; he was just standing at the door. He came into my room as I looked on from a distance because tears were filling up in my eyes. Jesse closed the door as he walked over to where I was and threw his arms around me.

I cannot describe how I felt when he did that. None of the scenarios that played in my head happened and I was glad because I didn't know how to answer his questions. We hugged for the longest and I cried. You know that cry of relief? Yeah, it was ugly but I let it out. He hugged me even tighter and I just cried and cried and cried. We sat on the bed and I didn't want to let go of him. He held me till I fell asleep.

It felt like a dream, to be honest. I thought I was having another dream of him but when I woke up and saw him in my bed with his arms wrapped around me, I cried. No one understood what I was going through, why I was crying so much and why I didn't want to let go of Jesse. I was a mess. He kissed my forehead. "I thought I lost you," I confessed. His response was just to lock eyes with me give me a squeeze.

"How is my little Noah?" He asked.

The smile on my face disappeared. "What?"

"How's our baby?"

The same baby that I tried aborting? I kept quiet because I didn't have the proper response. It still didn't sit well with me because I didn't want to keep the baby. What shocked me even more was knowing that Jesse accepted the child and I didn't. "I don't want to keep the baby," I blankly said.

"You cannot abort that innocent soul," he replied.

"It's my body and I do not see myself giving birth to this child."

"So you're going to kill the baby?"

"Yes."

He sat up and let go of me. "Why? What did he/she do to you?"

"This baby will look like my rapist and I can't deal with that," I answered.

"Is that all?"

"I cannot have a baby out of wedlock, Jesse. I never planned to either."

"Then marry me," he spit out, as he stood up.

My eyebrows shot up at his response. "You don't mean that," I shook my head.

"I do mean that. I told you that I envisioned as being part of my future, maybe you don't feel the same anymore."

"I do! But..."

"But what? Soon that baby bump is going to show and all I'm asking for is to become the father of that baby. You don't have to go through this alone, I want to be by your side every step of the way. It's all up to you." 

I sighed. "I always thought that my proposal was going to be more romantic than this."

"Us against the world?" he smiled.

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