Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

11, Aftershock

The next night, the numbness had returned. As the vampires rose, Ieli brushed the backs of his fingers over my cheek. "How are you feeling tonight?" he asked me. Like before, I had no energy or will to answer.

"I see... you've left again," he whispered. "That's okay. You can take your time to come back." As Ieli stood from the bed, Yenthyr merely settled a hand on my head, and then rose to start his day with his partner. 

The numbness I felt was so encompassing, so consuming, that I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even tease the idea of crawling out of their bed. 

I didn't want to believe that everything I remembered had been real, had been my life. The story Ieli wanted to hear was a story of an Omega born to be sold, to be used, but decided that he didn't want to be treated that way, to be stuck with that life, so he went and forced himself through years' worth of medical procedures so he would no longer be an Omega.

And then after that, he woke up one day and couldn't think of anything else other than reaching the end of his goal. To never be controlled. To never be used. To never have anyone treat him like an Omega ever again. 

But it happened anyway. My stubbornness and lack of consideration for others landed me right in the exact position I never wanted to be in. It was better that I was here, though, and not where I was originally supposed to be, but it was still depressing all the same.

Part of me couldn't fathom the person I had become once the steroids kicked in. Once the Omega had been fully squashed down and silenced. Why did I think that I had ever been in the right? With the way I treated Vanilla, and the way I viewed my pack, I really had been a terrible person.

But, maybe... maybe it was because I didn't know how to be a good and normal person. I didn't grow up normally. My brain certainly didn't feel normal at all anymore, and it probably never was. Ieli had been the one to notice that my mind was unwell.

Fuck... who did I think I was? I was such a dumbass. Such an idiot. So sick in the fucking head. No wonder Vanilla never wanted me. He saw nothing but bullshit in me. No wonder the vampires treated me the way they did. They also only saw bullshit. Look at this stupid werewolf, thinking he ever amounted to anything. Thinking he could surpass us. Could surpass anyone. 

I didn't even manage to make my own pack. I had to find an already-formed one, a broken, struggling one, and step into their vacant Alpha spot before someone else did. It was by pure chance and luck. Not by anything I gained on my own. 

Realizing all of that made the numbness worse. More thick, more debilitating. 

I was nothing, and always had been.

The vampires ate their breakfast. Ieli tried to coax me out by waving some food in front of my nose, hoping the smell would tug at my instincts and force me to move, but his efforts were futile. 

They left me alone, noticing that I wasn't responding to anything. A servant took care of their meals and dishes. Yenthyr worked at his desk. Ieli sat in bed beside me and continued his book, while also absently stroking his claws along my back. 

When it was time for them to sleep again, they tried one more time. They attempted to bribe me with a treat that was addictingly tasty to werewolves, promising to buy some and ship it here for me, if only I could sit up and explain things to them. But as much as I wanted a taste of that dessert, I still couldn't find any energy in me to do anything. 

They relented, and went to bed. Like last night, much to my buried desperation and appreciation, they held me. 

More nights and days went by. Ieli tried his best to get some reactions out of me, but I couldn't feel anything, and I couldn't get out of this fog in my head. It was so hard to find any desire to continue existing, now that I remembered everything and knew what my life was made of. There was no point to continue on. The world would always view themselves as superior to me. Maybe that was a curse specific to Omegas that followed them their entire lives, regardless if their biology changed.