Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

21, The Magic They Wield

In the nights following Yenthyr's statement of his plan, I tried my best to write a good apology letter to Vanilla. My notebook was a mess. Pages had been torn out and ripped up, dark scribbles dented the paper, my own thoughts on myself slipped out between confessions until it turned into a journal entry rather than a letter.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to do this. There was still so much guilt left over, even though it had been four months since I last saw him in person. I couldn't stop remembering the fear in his eyes when he saw me, the sound of his terrified screams, the taste of his blood in my mouth. I had changed here, but to him I was still a monster wannabe Alpha. 

The only thing keeping me from tossing the idea into the trash was Sang's promise to send an outside-doctor-view letter of his own right alongside it. Part of me believed it still wouldn't be enough, though.

Sang noticed my frustrations and offered to proofread for me. I wrote a letter that I hoped was good enough, that I hoped encompassed everything I needed to tell him, and Sang read it over and provided corrections and suggestions to make it make more sense, since it was still disorganized. With his help, I was able to finally write one that wasn't confusing, and portrayed the emotions I wanted.

It turned out to be far longer than I anticipated, but it said everything I needed him to know. Sang let me watch as he wrote down his own letter, and then folded all the papers together and sealed them in an envelope. 

The two vampires were aware of what I was trying to do, and Yenthyr said he still had the contact information for Vanilla's vampires. I didn't know Vanilla's new address, where he surely lived with his real Alpha mate, so Yenthyr asked them if we could have it.

Knowing that he had contacted them, the vampires who had tortured me nonstop for a week, set an intense flame of anxiety in my chest. I was certain his vampires wouldn't let me have that information under any circumstances, not even for this. And if they knew I was trying to send him a letter? What if they decided to come here and check for themselves if I was really better? I couldn't handle seeing them, I never wanted to set my gaze on their hateful faces ever again. 

I hid away in my room as they waited for a response. I hoped the small space, with the cozy painted walls and soothing running water from my fish tank would help me feel better. I stayed holed up in there all night. I didn't even come down for dinner.

Ieli came in afterwards, quietly inviting himself to sit on the edge of my bed. "What's gotten you afraid?" he asked me.

"Vanilla's vampires," I answered, the words muffled from where I was buried underneath my blanket. 

"V- oh," he responded, at first confused but easily figuring out who I meant. I felt him lie down next to me, curling his arms around my form to tuck me closer. 

"I know they punished you fairly harshly," he said gently, "but we don't know the details. What all did they do to you?"

I couldn't stop a shiver of nerves from hitting me. Ieli tightened his hold, pulling back my blanket just enough so he could brush my hair with his fingers. "They kept me in their dungeon, and they used all kinds of medieval tools to hurt me so I would give up my answers to their questions. I... I don't want to remember it clearly. I just know there was a lot of blood and it burned everywhere..."

Ieli's breath hitched and he cradled my head under his chin. "Afterward, they would tie me up on display in the main room of their mansion, and their clan members would help themselves. Whatev- whatever they wanted... they-" I stuttered and curled into myself, my gut twisting in discomfort at the memories. "Nobody stopped them. Nobody cared."

"Malik..." Ieli breathed, and he hugged me so tight it hurt. He didn't say anything else, even though it was obvious how he felt. He probably knew I would just tell him I deserved it. I thought he would leave it alone, but after a minute, he whispered, "They didn't have to go that far..."