Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

24, Don't Leave

Coming to relatively good terms with Vanilla left my soul so exhausted I crashed for nearly twenty four hours straight. But when I woke again, it was like a world of weight had finally been lifted off my shoulders. The sinking anchor of guilt no longer sat heavy in my gut. I hated myself a little less, and it was easier to breathe.

Ieli told me the two werewolves had gone back to the castle, so if I wanted to spend time outside, I could do so without worrying about running into them again. Despite Vanilla's forgiveness, I was still terrified of his mate.

I took the chance to get the fresh air everyone said I needed so badly. But I stayed within sight of the foliage-covered building, still not wanting to take any risks of running into anyone else I wouldn't be able to handle seeing. 

There was only so much to do, though. Sometimes I could watch Sang experiment or attempt to organize his numerous notes, or talk to him about something other than my mental health. Sometimes I could go hunting with Ieli, training my eyesight a little better and learning how to function well as a wolf with only one eye. 

But sometimes, as Ieli and I moonbathed, I would catch him gazing off with a sorrowful expression, or one of worry as he fidgeted with his hands. I knew he had to be thinking about his partner, what he was doing and how well the attempted incursion was going. I was worried about Yenthyr, too. It didn't feel right with him gone, with it just being Ieli and I. I think we both missed his strength and grounding words, his deliberate touches and calm demeanor. 

Ieli was angry with him, but it was still obvious that he loved him. I wanted to try sneaking as close to the castle as possible to see if I could get a glimpse of the progress there, but I knew it would be difficult to truly know how things were going on the outside. Sneaking inside, though? I risked running into not only Vanilla's vampires but Yenthyr's family as well, who all thought that the reason Bartok was missing was because he was busy torturing Ieli and I to death somewhere unknown. 

The curiosity started off small and barely there, easily brushed away by fear. But with every glance at Ieli's faraway gaze, with every meal he distractedly picked at, with every day I woke to him clinging to me as if he worried I would disappear in his sleep, leaving him alone, the more I wanted to reassure him that Yenthyr was alright. I needed that reassurance, too. This was all my fault, anyway. I wanted freedom too badly. I had complained too much. I had riled up his family because Yenthyr wanted to make me a little happier. If anything happened to him, I knew it would be a result of me disrupting their normal life. 

When Ieli barely ate anything and only drank his true source of sustenance, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I told Ieli I was going to go hunting by myself, to see how well I would do on my own. He kissed me and told me to be careful and not to strain myself.

I set off in my wolf body. By now, I knew the path to the castle like the back of my hand, and making my way there through the dark was hardly a problem for me, even with my half-blindness. After traversing through the trees and underbrush, I came close to the edge of the tree line where pavement prevented the forest from growing out any further. I decided it would be a good idea to crouch low to the ground and listen for any signs that someone was outside. I waited, listening, for nearly an hour, and didn't detect any sounds of life. 

Deeming it safe, I rose and trotted closer to the tree line. I spotted the lone cargo door that led to the servants' halls and kitchens. Would it be safe to go through there? I didn't know if the servants would spot me and let slip to the other vampires that I was there, or if they didn't care, how likely was I to be spotted in the main foyer on my way to the spiral staircase? Given that it was the main hub of the castle, where everyone had to pass through if they wanted to get from one side of the castle to the other, getting spotted was probably inevitable.