Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

23, Much Needed

I couldn't stop remembering all the times I hallucinated him, all the times he had hinted at who I was before, all the times he showed up and I wanted for nothing more than a chance to get away from everyone. I had finally managed to stop obsessing over him, and I knew I no longer felt that kind of attraction towards him anymore, but now that he was here, in the flesh, I couldn't stop doubting myself.

Sang and I had a lengthy talk about it, and he told me it was natural for such strong presences to make me feel like I was relapsing, and to fear that they wouldn't believe I had changed. So many bad memories involved Vanilla, his mate, his vampires. He told me I needed to keep reminding myself that I was better now, no matter what they might think or say to me otherwise. They hadn't been here for my change, and they weren't staying. The only ones who truly mattered were my vampires and Sang.

It was easier said than done. Every time I caught even a whiff of something sweet, a sudden urge to run would flood my mind. Ieli had to pin me down one too many times to keep me from sending myself into another adrenaline-fueled panic attack. 

It was harder than ever to leave the abandoned train station. Even when Sang encouraged it, encouraged getting out into open space and breathing fresh air, it was too difficult. I feared seeing the two werewolves again. 

I hid curled up underneath Sang's desk more often than not. Ieli would come and sit on the floor with me and run his fingers through my hair, soothing me, letting me know he was there for me. He was on my side. 

I thought maybe I was safe there. I thought they'd leave me alone. But it was only until two nights later, right as I was sleeping off my painkillers again, did I wake up to an overly strong scent of vanilla. 

"Malik is resting right now." Those were the words I heard as I blearily blinked open my eye, head still slightly groggy, but adrenaline not far behind. Ieli was sitting in front of me, hand playing with my hair, and my back was to the door. 

"I was just hoping I could see him for a moment. I... I need to see if he's really changed," Vanilla's voice sounded from outside, through the open door. My entire body tensed, and my hearing was on full alert.

"Would you care to introduce yourselves to me?" Sang asked.

"Oh, right. This is Storm, and I'm Vanilla. We got a letter from Malik not too long ago," Vanilla responded. 

"Ah," Sang replied. "I am Doctor Sang. I assisted Malik through his transition and now act as his therapist. It's nice to meet you."

"Oh," Vanilla said plainly, "it's- it's nice to meet you too. Your letter helped me understand Malik's a little better. It's nice to know he... um... that he's had s-support. Good support, in- in the right way."

"The right support," Sang repeated, musing, and I wondered if he echoed that phrase to make Vanilla understand something else in its meaning. Vanilla made a soft unsure sound, probably embarrassed, probably nervous. 

"I can understand why you'd feel the need to see him to believe he's truly changed. But please understand that he is extremely frightened of your mate, and he feels a great deal of fear towards you, too. Is it truly not enough to have the letters?" Sang asked.

"Well... I... it's, uhm, it's... I can't really explain it well," Vanilla struggled to say, "it just needs to be a visual thing. I hope you understand."

Why? Why, why can't it be enough to have my letter? I can't handle this, I don't want to see any of you!

"Perhaps," Ieli spoke up. "We can let them speak in partial privacy? Supervise them from a distance."

"Maybe..." Vanilla replied thoughtfully. 

"Only if he stays where I can reach him if needed," came the voice of the Alpha, deep enough to shake me to my core if he ever yelled at me again the way he did when he fought me.