Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

15, Learning

It was hard, trying to figure out what my passions were. What things I liked, things that made me who I was. Hobbies... Interests... I didn't have any. 

Sang had given me a list to try and help me narrow it down. I stared at it in my hand as I sat out in the garden, cross legged next to a fish pond. Yenthyr and Ieli were both sitting at a nearby garden table, enjoying glasses of blood and various small pastries. They talked quietly with each other. I was far enough away that I didn't have to engage with them, and I could pretend I wasn't listening. 

Down the list were plenty of hobbies and interests. Music. Art. Books. Crafting. Knitting. Writing. Games, video or board or card. Bird watching. Hiking. Rock climbing. Swimming. Rock collecting. Plant caretaking. Animal caretaking. History. Herbalism. Fashion. Design. Cooking. Baking. Sports.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, letting the hand that held the list go limp across my knee. I hadn't ever really explored any of these things. And none of them were really piquing my interest. 

I could try giving each thing a go for a bit, to see how it sat with me. I knew for a fact I could cross cooking and baking off the list, because I sucked at both and they only made me frustrated. I picked out one I could do now, bird watching. I looked up to search the sky for birds, but realized that it was night and not many birds were active. I'd be lucky to spot an owl, and the occasional bat. 

I sighed again and turned my attention to the pond. I watched the fish for a bit, their scales glittering underneath the surface in the moonlight. Moving slow, calm, dipping up to catch a bug every so often. I leaned over and dipped my hand in the water. It was surprisingly tepid, not cold like I thought it would be. But it was a warm night.

Hmm... maybe I could see how I like swimming. No, wait, fuck. I don't know how to swim. No one had ever taught me.  

I groaned under my breath, more of an airy growl, and dug my dry hand through my hair and tugged at it. I couldn't cook, I couldn't swim, I couldn't watch birds. I probably couldn't rock climb, because there weren't any cliffs to scale around here. I couldn't go hiking because I was stuck inside these castle walls. What use did I have for fashion? Or history? Where would I find animals that would trust me enough to care for them? What games could I play when I lived with medieval vampires? Books had barely kept me occupied before Sang showed up. I knew for a fact that if I attempted art it would come out as terrible as my cooking. 

Moon, I can't- I can't fucking do anything.

I growled openly, crumpled up the list, and chucked it as hard as I could. Find a fucking hobby, a passion-- what passion? I had none! I have nothing and am nothing and will only ever be noth-

"Malik, darling, is everything okay over there?" Ieli asked.

"I'm fine," I grumbled through gritted teeth. 

"What's making you upset?" he asked in response. I clenched my teeth tighter and hit my thigh to keep myself from snapping at him, knowing it would only make everything worse and I was so tired of the vampires being angry with me. I hit my thigh harder than I thought I would, and the amount of pain that followed shocked me enough to bring tears to my eyes. 

I brought my hands up and pressed my palms against them. The anger that had riled up slowly dissipated into misery. I bit my lip harshly. "I said I'm fine..." I whispered. I flinched as I felt a pair of arms slide around my stomach, a body resting against my side, a head on my shoulder. 

"We're not going to judge you," Ieli said calmly, coaxingly. I sensed another body sitting down next to my other side. "What's wrong?"

I didn't take my hands away from my eyes, and I shook my head. "Sang told me I needed to find a passion, something to do with my life. But I'm not good at anything and I don't know how to do a lot of everything else," I admitted dejectedly.