Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

14, An Old Face

Experiencing that heartbreak made the numbness come back, and worse than before. It got so much worse, in fact, that I no longer had angry outbursts. I stopped caring, about everything. I shoved every emotion down, every thought, and just stared at whatever scenery laid before me. Often times, that included the painful drop outside their corridor.

I just didn't want to feel anything anymore.

The vampires noticed. They often looked at me with concern or worry, but I never indulged their questions or attempts to comfort me. I knew they would never grow to love me the way they loved each other. Not a single soul on this earth would ever grow to love me to that degree, if at all.

I did what I needed to do regarding chores, and nothing else. There was no point in doing anything else. It hurt too much if I did anything else.

On one night, I overheard the vampires talking. I had been returning from doing dishes, and through their cracked-open door, I could hear their quiet conversation from out on the balcony.

"He's gotten worse again. I thought the trip out into the forest would really help him. I'm starting to worry," Ieli said.

"I know..." Yenthyr murmured.

"Every time I try to help, he just shoves me away. Anytime I manage to get something out of him, he just mentions not wanting to feed his Omega side. I keep telling him he's not one, but it doesn't seem to get through to him," Ieli continued. "It's like he refuses to believe anything else."

Yenthyr sighed. "His determination runs deep, my beloved, and his identity is such a huge issue that he went through great medical lengths to change it. It will take a while before he fully moves on. The best we can do is be there for him when he needs us. If he needs us."

A small stretch of silence as they pondered things. After a few minutes, Ieli whispered. "Do you... do you think it would help if we just set him free?"

"I honestly don't think it will. He would be entirely alone. He has no pack or home to return to. He doesn't have any family or friends or a mate to go to. And he's still a danger to others, he is still unstable and volatile," Yenthyr replied softly, "he is not ready to be set free, yet."

"But I really want to do something to help, something other than attempting to comfort him and getting anger or apathy in response. I..." Ieli trailed off.

"What is it?" Yenthyr asked, still soft, but more concerned.

"I... I really worry, sometimes, that he contemplates killing himself, every second that he's by himself. Especially out on that stone ledge in the corridor. What if he decides that he can't get better, so he just gives up?" Ieli said quietly. I heard rustling of clothing, and I could picture Yenthyr bringing the other vampire into a hug.

"We'll get a doctor, a therapist. A professional might be of better help than us two inexperienced Masters," he stated. "In the meantime, we'll just make sure he doesn't spend any more time by himself."

"He won't like that," Ieli responded. 

"I know. But what else can we do?"

The conversation ended at that, and I was left with mixed feelings. Half of me craved being alone nowadays, and the other half still wished for someone to hold me. I knew which half was the Omega side, but sometimes that yearning hurt so much, even despite all my efforts to shove my emotions away. Half of me wanted everyone to leave me alone, and the other half wanted someone to understand me and tell me how I could make all this inner turmoil go away.

I didn't really want to talk to a stranger, though. I didn't want another random person to think they could dictate my thoughts and my life, who thought they were better than me, or who thought I was a rapist monster who deserved nothing but hardships for the rest of my life.