Destination: Permanent Vacation

17: Akaashi - Sunday

I usually wake up, sit up in bed for a while and read for a bit, then I get up and get ready.

This morning, I woke up, sat up in bed for a while and read for a bit, then Bokuto woke up and reminded me of what happened yesterday. I'm never going to forget it now.

_

"I'm sorry, Akaashi. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'll go and grab a cloth," Bokuto scrambles away from me on the bed but I reach out and grab his hand.

"It's fine, Bo. I'm fine. It only hurt at first. And please, I think you've earned the right to call me Keiji," He smiles as he turns away, walking off to get a cloth.

What have I just done?

Instead of confessing and telling Bokuto how I really feel about him, I slept with him. And this is probably going to happen again.

I've just completely affected my friendship with him.

I've ruined my friendship with him.

"Keiji, I- Keiji?" I'm suddenly all too aware of my breathing and the situation that I'm in. I've just slept with ny best friend, and now I'm having a panic attack in front of him. Fucking fantastic.

A weight drops onto the bed but I don't focus on it.

"Keiji, can you hold my hand?" I reach out my hand and grasp tightly onto Bokuto's. It's big and warm and... safe. "Okay, now breathe in... and out," I follow his instructions until I feel better.

"I'm good now, thank you," I tell him.

"That's good," He says with a smile. "I'll run this under hot water again and then come and clean you up," Nothing's changed, really. He's my best friend and he always will be my best friend, no matter how we are in the romantic side of things. "Back,"

"I-I'm sorry," I mumble.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay," Bo says, swiping the wet cloth over my legs. "You don't need to apologise,"

"I'm sorry," I say again.

"We really need to work on the whole apologising-for-panic-attacks thing, don't we?" He asks. I laugh shakily. "I'm nearly done and then you can get dressed. Legs up,"

_-_

"I'm sorry," I say again, looking down at the floor.

"Hey, Keiji, no. What happened earlier was different from what we usually do, sure, but you don't need to worry about it. Or the panic attack. You were worrying about how this might affect our friendship, right? Well, I think that this is going to strengthen our friendship," Bokuto says, wrapping his arms around me. "Our friendship has now been forged in lube," Oh my-

"Seriously?"

He starts laughing as he stands back up, hooking his arms under my body.

"Time to go and rub in everyone's faces what an amazing morning we had," He declares.

"You enjoyed it?" I ask, unsure.

"Yeah! It was incredible!" Bokuto responds enthusiastically. "I'm sorry I hurt you, though,"

"It only hurt at first," I tell him.

"You cried,"

"It hurt a lot..." I admit, not being able to look him in the eye.

"Why did it hurt so much?"

"It was my first time,"

There's silence for a couple of minutes as Bo stands still and silent in the middle of our room, me still in his arms.

"I stole your virginity?" He asks, his voice breaking.

"No, Bo, no. I gave it to you. Willingly. I wanted to do it and I don't regret it," I reassure him.

"Can we do it again?"

"Once I can walk," I joke.

"Do you want anything? Drink? Food? If you don't want to go down to breakfast I can bring something up-"

"Bo," I try to cut him off.

"Is there anything you want in particular because I can-"

"Bo,"

"Anything you want-

"Bo!" He stops and stares at me. "Sit down," He sits on the end of the bed, repositioning me on his lap. "I'm not hungry so we can go and get something in a bit but surely you're tired,"

"Uh, not really but if you want me to stay-"

"If you want to go then you can go," I don't know why I was being so clingy. He's not my boyfriend. He's just my friend. Who I've just slept with...

"Keiji-"

"I'm sure you want to go and tell your friends, it's fine. Just... maybe bring up something small for me to eat?"

"I- Okay," Bokuto leaves the room and I feel this thick awkward silence take his place. You could cut the air with a knife.

Damn it, Keiji.

I roll over and bury my head into the pillow, yelling. You idiot, Keiji. You slept with your best friend and now he's going to expect this to happen again and become a regular thing and maybe this is because he can't get out and meet people at clubs because of covid restrictions so he's using me as a substitute but oh... oh, God, did it feel good. Feeling so small and like we belonged to each other... No. I need to stop.

Friends with benefits.

No feelings, just sex.

This is going to kill me.

The way he's so gentle and firm, kind and strong... how he calls me 'baby' and 'babyboy'.

I'm even more whipped now than I had been before.

I'm in love with my best friend.

The horrible thing is the awkward situation that I'm now in. If I keep doing this, then I'll get too caught up to pull myself out but if I ask to stop then it might affect our friendship.

But I said yes. I said yes. I wanted to do it, I willingly gave consent and I enjoyed it. So it doesn't matter if I'm having second thoughts now because it's already happened.

What I really need is for him to ask me to be his boyfriend and this whole situation will clear up and fix. But that'll probably never happen. Until that distant future point, I'm going to be friends with benefits with my best friend.

But, of course, there are pros and cons to my current situation.

We'll both get confused about feelings. Con.

It'll affect our friendship. Con.

He's amazing in bed. Pro.

It's the closest thing I can get to dating him. Pro.

I enjoyed it and want to do it again... Pro.

It's an unusual situation but one that we can definitely cope with. I get to have a form of relationship with my best friend who I've been in love with for almost half of my life. I'll do anything to keep hold of this opportunity.

"Keiji? I've got some chocolate brioche thingies and some snacks so we can just stay up here and watch Netflix all day if you want," I am so in love with you Koutarou Bokuto and you have no idea. "Do you want me to help you get into some clothes as well?"

Even when we have a relationship like this one, he'll still always be my best friend.