Dear Readers, part 2

Entry Number Twenty One (3/20/2015)

Dear readers,

I've been getting the temptation to self harm more and more frequently. There are a few ways of stopping myself that help, though I can't always use them. Masturbation always helps, but when I feel like this in the middle of the day that's not really an option. When I'm home alone that's fine but obviously it would be kind of weird when I'm not. So I've resorted to causing pain in ways that don't make me bleed or blister. Digging my nails into myself, biting my hand hard, etc. I guess it's still self harm because I'm still hurting myself, but at least I'm not injuring myself.

It still doesn't fully satisfy this feeling of wanting to feel pain, it's not strong enough.

I feel like my entries have become such downers all the time. It's just that writing this all down helps pass the time safely until the feeling goes away. Getting out my feelings also helps. Maybe next time I'll write a violent, scary, or depressing short story or something. It would kill three birds with one stone by passing the time, expressing these feeling, and also finally do some creative writing.

I really need to write more often. I'm constantly coming up with ideas for stories and then never end up actually writing them. Even stream of consciousness or poetry, I know I should write, I just have so much difficulty motivating myself to do anything that requires thinking or effort. Even things I enjoy, like drawing and writing, I only do every once in a while because I just can't motivate myself...

You know what? I think I'm gonna force myself to do some excercise today. I know this contradicts what I just said a bit, but I do every once and a while feel like doing a certain thing and actually do it. My music's on, the fake-bike thing's right beside me, I'm alone in the house, I might as well.

See ya