Dear Readers,
Today I woke up early and actually witnessed what Kai is like in the morning for the first time. He always makes so much noise that it wakes me up, so I knew before-hand that it would be pretty bad, but it was like nothing I imagined. I can't even describe it. It took about a half an hour just to get him to put his coat on to go to school. It might have been longer than that. During this time, he cried and yelled and kicked and... just general horribleness. He even spit at and swore at his mother. Not silly five-year old swearing like stupid-head, but the f-word. It took that long with both of us trying to get him to put the coat on. She made him something to eat for breakfast - he only nibbled at the corner a bit, pretty much refusing to eat. Of course, that was only until she said it was time for them to go. Suddenly, he HAD to eat.
Let's just say I'm starting to see things from my sisters perspective a bit more. I mean, it's not like she's getting any help whatsoever from the father. That fucking good-for-nothing who rarely ever takes Kai. Sometimes he says he'll take Kai, but doesn't give a time until the last minute. Other times he says he'll take Kai and then just doesn't even show up. Occasionally he'll give a bullshit excuse like he's sick or something, but both me and my sister are 90% certain that he probably just got invited to some party or something. Sometimes he doesn't even give an excuse.
And yet, apparently Kai acts good when he's at his dad's and when he's at his grandmother's and when he's at his babysitter's. He's only bad here. ughhhhh.
Changing the subject, I don't think I've mentioned, but I've actually made very little effort to find a job since I've gotten here. I find it very difficult to motivate myself. I know I need to just do it, but fuck, I find it difficult to motivate myself to shower most of the time. I've always had difficulty with self-motivation. That's why I'm such a procrastinator. It's why I never excersize. Even the things I enjoy I have difficulty motivating myself to do.
Another change of subject, I am trying out a strategy to stave off my fits of depression, and so far it seems to be working some. Every time I catch myself thinking something negative about myself, I stop myself in my tracks and complement myself. I went on one of those chatrooms for people with depression and had a conversation that kind of brought me to the realization that I was being way too fucking hard on myself all the time. I'll take the time I need. I can get through this, and I will.
No clue if this feeling of clarity and relative calmness will last, but hopefully it will.
Jaa, minna-san.
YOU ARE READING
Dear Readers, part 2
Non-FictionThis is exactly what it sounds like. Basically a diary that can be freely read by anyone on Wattpad who wants to read it. Everything written here is true and it is all from my point of view. It is me, writing what I think, when I think it. Respond...
