Dear Readers, part 2

Entry Number Eight (11/29/2012)

Dear readers, 

haloooo!

It's been a while since I've wrote here.

I don't know if I mentioned, but I dyed my hair purple. And then, once it started to fade, I got it all shaved off. I quite enjoy short hair. 

I realized quite a while ago that I'm actually quite glad the person who I talked to and arranged to be roommates with ended up not being my roommate. There's just way to much drama surrounding that girl for my liking.

I would really prefer to have no drama in my life whatsoever.

I've finally made some friends outside of my dorm. It's nice to have some guy friends, it was so weird only having friends that are girls because I've ALWAYS had more guy friends that girl friends. Not that the amount of guy friends I have is enormous or anything, but at least I have some.

I started watching Supernatural. I quite like it, I'm on season 4 episode 3. 

I rarely use my Tumblr or my Twitter accounts anymore. I got tired of it pretty quick, huh? XP

I'm at the start of Fifty Shades Freed, and after having taken a long pause from reading the series, I'm starting to see why some people don't like it very much. I'm actually quite ashamed I didn't see it before.

It's quite pretentious, isn't it, the way she writes? Also, the falling in love with a man who is extraordinarily rich love story is quite an over done thing. Also why would him biting the bottom of her toe ever be considered tantalizing? I would just feel weirded out. And isn't that kind of gross? Her feet might be all sweaty, and since it's the bottom of her toe, it's probably at least somewhat dirty, right?

I dunno, maybe I just don't like feet.

And I'll correct what I said a couple of entries ago. Fifty shades isn't really BDSM. I mean, that's what it seemed like, but as I'm in University now, there are a lot of people smarter than me, and I'm much more informed about several topics now.

Also, I've been looking into my own personality and, oddly enough, I think I'm a narcissist.

Did you know that it's possible to be a narcissist with low self esteem?

How I would explain it is, I'm kind of in love with myself, but at the same time I hate myself.

I doubt you understand, it's like my emotions always contradict each other.

Also, I'm moderately depressive and slightly opsessive compulsive.

And I have an internet addiction.

I'm thinking of asking my parents if I can see a therapist. 

Oh, and this doesn't really have anything to do with what I was just talking about, but yet again I've been questioning my gender identity and considering transitioning FTM. And I think I may have finally found my answer.

I was watching a video called 

how i knew i was transgender [and some advice on coming out]

and I left this comment:

I'm also questioning my gender. The thing is, I like my body, and I do like some feminine things, it's just that I've never really felt like I belonged with girls, I've never felt like I have any thing in common with other girls, and, I dunno, it's hard to explain. I've just always understood boys more, and maybe I'm just a tomboy, but... the thing is, I'm just not sure about anything. Not about my sexuality, nor my gender. I'm 17, and I started thinking about this probably in 9th grade.

to which someone replied:

Maara, a lot of people are gender neutral. You are OK with the body you are in but don't associate with being the sex that you are. But at the same time you don't associate with being in the body of the opposite sex either. You can be both male and female gender; yin and yang. I understand what you are going through because that is me too. I am biologically female but have more in common with males. Just learn to be the truth of who you are and stay true to yourself. Stay free.

There it is. I read it, and I was just like, that's it. That is the answer I've been looking for all these years. It's so simple, I'm surprised I didn't figure it out myself. I know a lot of people would read it and think - Just like that? Someone replies to your comment and in an instant you suddenly realize what your gender identity is? - and to that I would say that it wasn't really just like that. I've been looking for an answer for a while, and it's kind of like I had the idea in my head the whole time, I just didn't realize it, and I needed someone to actually say the words to me for it to really click. And I mean there's just something about the concept of gender neutrality that just makes me think of, well, me.

 And let me tell you, it's nice. It's kind of like I've just met a new friend, except it's me. Like I'm meeting myself for the first time.

Jaa, mata.