Bastard No More

each day is a blessing

      Welcome, and warmest greetings to anyone here. I hope this finds everyone safe and healthy.

    Hurricane Ida came and went, and this time I was bunkered down with my favorite people. Daenarick and Cash spent the duration with us and the kids were thrilled to have their favorite big goddess-brother around. I believe it made them all feel safer, plus little one's father was here also. No way I was going to leave him out there.

    I know I just may be the most unpredictable person at times, always making spur of the moment decisions. Call it my gypsy wanderlust. Also, call it a change of heart.

    I'm seriously looking for another house and land. The last house I bought I gave to my... sister. Fucking GAVE. And look how she's done me...nope...not gonna play the blame game. I am at fault. All on ME. I can't... won't even touch this topic right now. I'm feeling bad as it is for what happened.

   I am so grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for the love of my life. I'm grateful for my beautiful children. Grateful for Gucci and Wallace and Yzma. With each passing day I try hard to forgive myself for them...for my sister...for myself.

    Never did I ever think that I'd hit the lowest. I don't move this way intentionally.  I've been fighting tooth and nail for a chance at happiness, for a taste of the good life with my baby girl. Every time I think of what I did...

    Yesterday, I broke down and told Semaj everything I hadn't. It was the most nerve wrecking, embarrassing, degrading experience ever. I didn't know if she'd believe me or not; I was ready for her to walk out on me again. How the fuck you tell the woman you love and adore that you fucked your adoptive sister more than once...and recently?

   It was horrifying. I was so fucking scared. I told her everything I was told, plus I told her what I did to make Mona Lisa stop. Semaj had a depthless look in her eyes, and I just knew I'd fucked up. I had to make her understand that I wasn't in my right sound mind the first time and that I hadn't initiated or even wanted the second time. I'm saying second time but to be honest I have no knowledge of how many times Mona violated me in the past.

   I love my sisters. I do. I love all of them, even the ones who never reach out. I may be this horny fucking bastard but I'm not an incestual dirty fucking bastard. I have never been attracted to my family members. I have never wanted to fuck any one of them.

   This has made me feel so fucking rotten and low. I now wish I'd never even gone to check on Mona; I should have let her steam in her funk. But I was concerned. Now I'm more disgusted than anything.

   I hope and pray to Goddess that Semaj and I can get thru all of this. She is my end game love. No way I'll ever let anyone come between us again, including family or friends. Right now should be all about her and the kids and the new baby and our life together but I'm sinking down into a hole of despair.

   I seriously wish I wasn't me. Wasn't the way I am.