Bastard No More

unruly

     It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep.

     I have an incredulous amount on my mind as of late.  Keeps me up some nights.  Watching Semaj sleep has become a pastime, a habit of nature. I worry for her.

     I feel her constantly. There's so much depth to this woman, yet she can't hide from me. She may try, and may even have been successful, but I know now. I know everything.

   I know everything that happened. I know what you haven't been telling me. I know, bcuz you and I are one. How I couldn't see it sooner bewilders me, but I guess I was blinded.

    Some people will pretend they mean well by you by tearing someone you love down. A lot of my friends have done this as they feel Semaj hurt me the most. I shut all shit down with the swiftness bcuz only she and I know why we're on this twisted fateful path. We love each other.

    One thing, I don't like being lied to or led astray. And I've been lied to.

    I know I have done many fucked up things to Semaj, my beloved. I usually say it's bcuz she's done me dirt as well but I'm tired of going there. I do what I do bcuz I have no goddamned control over myself at times. But I've been doing my fucking best to stay away from every woman these days. I show Semaj I'm all about her, but there is still a void.

   Long story short, two lies. LIE #1: She told me she hadn't slept with her ex when they met up recently, but she did. LIE #2: She had a fall she never told me about upright, and had there not been a bloody wound I guess I wouldn't have known...but the fall came from her trying to remove herself from Hassan's grasp, a grasp he so tightly was holding her in.

   Apparently all those times I've had to hear him down talk Semaj, it was secretly spiteful. He wants her. He's told her and has made advances.

    Where do I go from this. Who do I trust and put faith in? Who do I forgive? Right now, I feel nothing. Nothing. No emotion.

   I love Semaj. The thought of her falling... getting hurt, bcuz of Hassan...I beat my own friend's ass today. 

    I can not talk to my beloved right now. I love her so much and I am still by her side as long as I'm home, making sure she's okay,  but I just can't talk. I'm hurting inside and I don't want to. I already had the wheels in motion; yet this must be the catalyst. I'm already stressing bcuz I have to plan two birthday parties bcuz Taz has a restraining order on Semaj. I wanted their birthdays to be together but now I have to spend time separately.

   I have so many plans. Plans I need to see out. For everyone's sake, not just mine. I know in my gut and heart that this baby will be a boy. I've seen him already. And he is me.

    It's dead of dark night. I should be grateful we're laying in the same bed. It's just somedays I feel as if I can't do anything right.

   Mmmm...I had to stop writing and give her shoulder a kiss. I need to end this entry and wake her. I need to hold her close to me and feel her, bcuz right now I need to feel something.