Pandemonium | Dream SMP

62. You look like a vampire who's just had a good meal.

"So what are we?" Dream questions, my head tucked snugly beneath his chin as we continue to embrace, simply soaking in each other's presence.

"What do you mean? This never happened." I hum, squeezing the man tighter. I'm still in a strange daze, like I've just dropped a heavy weight from my shoulders. I feel free. I really do. And it's the strangest feeling. I both love it and hate it, because I know that by giving into this freedom, I've betrayed my two-year-long ambitions.

And what's scarier is that I don't regret it.

Is it really supposed to be this easy to fall back into old habits?

"It didn't?"

"Nope. You must be imagining things."

"Then I guess this didn't happen either."

Dream pinches my chin and tilts my head back to capture me in another kiss.

"Exactly," I say once the kiss is over, my voice soft. "Because we aren't together. And we never have been."

"And you're sure this is how you want to play this? With no labels? Just pure affection?"

I nod, "yes. This is the only way I can play this. If things keep going the way they are, we could very well meet on the battlefield, and I refuse to allow myself to falter because of you. This is as close as I can let myself be to you."

"Because Schlatt comes first." Dream frowns.

"Because Schlatt always comes first." I reiterate, and close the gap for another kiss.

I nip at Dream's bottom lip and he dips me, pressing his nose to mine. I smile wide, looping my arms around his neck. This whole scenario is so ridiculously absurd. I still can't quite grasp that I'm actually doing this. But I also think that's part of the reason why I'm doing it. I've spent so long trying to be perfect. Trying to be the ideal person I could be with the second life Schlatt gave me. But it turns out that maybe Ares was a little too perfect. She was burning me out, pushing down more of my basic desires than I had realised.

Ares is meant to be a good, polite girl, who tries to avoid hurting others as much as possible, both physically and emotionally.

She would certainly never have entertained the idea of cheating on Fundy. Or of falling so swiftly into the arms of another man.

But the me right now, the old me, is a little less considerate. And a little more quick to act on her emotions.

And more and more of her is shining through the cracks of the mask.

"Ah, I forgot to mention. But no more sneaking into Manburg."

"Ha, that's funny."

Dream moves his lips down to my neck, only to have my hand knot into the back of his hair and pull him away.

"I wasn't joking." I say, my voice light yet serious. "I still have a job to do--granted, one I'm not doing very well at--but a job nonetheless."

"That's going to make visiting you a challenge."

"What are you talking about? You have no reason to visit me, remember? If we bump into each other outside of Manburg, it'll be purely coincidental."

"Yeah, coincidental, sure." He muses.

He's catching on quickly.

"Good boy." I smile.

To my surprise a blush springs to his exposed cheeks.

I raise a brow but don't question this. Instead I release my hand from his hair and slowly slip away from his grasp.

"I need to go back now. I've been away too long."

"Already?"

I roll my eyes. "You kidnapped me almost twenty minutes ago. What do you mean already?"

"But I still have questions."

"Yes. I know. But you'll have to wait. Today has...been a little strange for me." I raise my palm and my trident hovers up off the ground, gravitating to my hand. "I've never told anyone about any of this. About me or Schlatt-" I rub at my forehead. "Ah, I really shouldn't have told you about Schlatt, actually. You see the sort of effect you have on me? All common sense goes completely out the window when I'm with you and it's quite frankly infuriating."

"Infuriating in a good way?" He smiles, tucking his hands into his jacket pockets.

"I'm here with you now, so I suppose it must be, which is irritating because that just makes me more infuriated. It's like a never-ending cycle..."

The masked man laughs at my troubled expression.

"Then I look forward to our next 'chance' meeting." He says, and dips his head to place a quick kiss to my lips.

"Stop, you're getting more blood on me." I scold lightly, pushing his face away with a smile.

"Bit late for that. You look like a vampire who's just had a good meal."

"Go away," I muse, wiping at my mouth with the back of my hand. I know it's pointless though. I'm going to have to stop by a stream or well to wash the blood off fully.

He chuckles, flicks my forehead, and then turns to walk away, whistling a little tune to himself.

"Insufferable," I mutter, still rubbing at my face. But then I stop, and drop my hands to my sides.

I really am making a mess of myself. And I'm not talking about the blood.

Just how has Dream done this to me? I'm so far from the person I was when I first entered these lands. When did I start falling for the most dangerous man in the SMP? Was it back when we first met? Or maybe when we first shared that quiet conversation together, under the stars. Or when he told me I had potential. When he said he wanted me for the SMP. Slowly but surely, his words, his praise, his laughter have all been seeping under my skin, and bringing to the surface my old personality. The old me, before Ares, before Schlatt, when my dads were still alive and I was nothing more than a cocky nineteen-year-old who could wield a trident. I was always reckless, but I had the skills to back it up, so it didn't matter to me. Dream is just like the old me, and his actions have unintentionally been pulling out my past.

We're two and the same, and it's messing me up.

How am I supposed to deal with my past and present clashing like this? I can't just give up on my present self, of Ares and everything she's achieved, but I also can't allow myself to revert entirely back to that childish personality.

I want to love Dream. But I need to protect Schlatt.