it was all just a scream for help.

don't need you.

wordcount : 1180
TW : disordered eating, light light mention of sh scars.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for my Mum's to fixate on me, she never did.
"Mum? I feel sick.." she sighed and looked up at me,
"atleast go to a few classes, take my car, just have a late start, leave before second period i'll get a ride to work," I nodded, It was as good as it got. I messaged Sapnap,
i'm skipping first period.

I was mad at Sapnap, kind of at least, I understand he is concerned but locking me in his car and yelling at me wasn't the way to express that. I got a call.
Sapnap.

"George are you okay?" it was Karl's voice.

"yes. I'm fine, just need a late start today,"
I hear a hum.

"See you after first period than?" Sapnap asks, I hum.

"bye." I hung up. I want to be alone.

I don't want to go outside again.

I like being alone.

I'm dressed, Jeans and a long sleeve t shirt, plain. Bland. Whatever.

I have 20 minutes before 2nd period, it's a 10 minute drive to school at this hour. I take my backpack. I won't speak today. George, your promising yourself right now your distancing yourself from the people you love. They won't be as hurt when I end it all. The real ones will understand but I want them not to hurt. I want them all to be happy, without me.

I take the keys off the counter, Mum is on a run, I walk outside, no coffee today. Should've gotten a coffee.

When I arrive at school, I park outside, grabbing my bag and walking through the front doors, the hall's are empty. I walk down corridors and up stairs to the senior building. I find my locker. It's not fun like everyone else's, just books and old sticky notes Karl used to leave me. 5 minutes until class. Should've had a coffee, I need caffeine to get me through the day.

Sapnap approached me, I take a deep breath and looked at him, he rubbed my arm,
"hey.. you alright?" I nod, I don't want him to worry but he will. I'd like to pretend to be happy but I can't when I can barely stay awake, when everything gets so dizzy out of nowhere.
I sit in my usual spot, I don't have this class with anyone i'm close to. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to die. That's my life.

I felt myself get tired, I was scribbling on paper, rough drawing so the teacher would think I was writing notes. I used to need academic validation. I could care less now. It's a letter, I'll be dead sooner or later why waste my time learning about physics and shit.

I walk down the halls, I see Karl, Dream and Sapnap standing together against my locker. Take a hint. I don't want to this anymore.
Stay calm. Whatever happens don't yell.
I stood in front of them, each taking a step back. "We're sorry about yesterday.." I hum and put the books back, I grab a textbook.
"Hey, talk to us.." Dream tries to encourage. What am I meant to do, shake my head?
"Don't really want to talk right now." I start walking to my class, only its PE and Dream has it as well.

He catches up to me, walking beside me,
"you can't exercise like this.." he whispered. I nod, I don't care. Just leave me alone honestly. He rubs my back and walks with me outside. "George. Will you listen for once?" I look up at him, he looks worried. So worried.
"Stop whatever the fuck this is or we're getting you help got it? You hurt your ankle. Your not doing PE." the second part wasn't a question. It was a demand. I didn't like being bossed around but I wanted to kill myself, how could I do that in a mental hospital.

I don't want help anymore. I just want to die.

"What aren't you going to change twig?" one of the boys teased, I laughed, I didn't think it was funny. It hurt my feelings. Even when I didn't believe it. His intent was to hurt me. Later, Dream dragged me to our PE teacher, she was directing the class where to set cones,
"George twisted his ankle, he shouldn't play, you don't mind if he sits out do you?" he says for me. I liked how he spoke for me.
"Yeah just sit on your phone or something, there's not much you can do."

Lunch. Dream set a iced coffee bottle in front of me and a ham and cheese sandwich. I stared at him, he looked down to me and back to the food. I opened the ice coffee, reading the back. Dream took the drink from me before I even figured out how many calories were in it. He ripped of the wrapper leaving a clear bottle. He handed it back to me, I groaned and took the bottle. Karl was laying between Sapnap's legs, Sapnap's arms around his waist.

I stared down at the sandwich. White bread. Why white bread? I look away, I'm not hungry. I couldn't say that. They would never believe me. But it was true, I would throw up, I would be nauseous. I would beat myself up because of it. Dream nudged me and I ripped a piece of the bread and ate it. I kept my head down. Flipping through notifications of people I wasn't close to but knew.

"Hey George.. finish it, only a bit left," Dream tried to encourage me, I shook my head. I wasn't eating more. I physically couldn't,
"George come on...Only a few more bites,"
it was really just worth one bite but he knew I couldn't take a big bite.
"I feel sick. I cant," He nods and rubs my shoulder. I move away, leaning away from his touch.

Sad part was I wanted him to touch me.

"Guys I think I'm gonna go home.." I said and Karl's head shot in my direction quickly,
"You'll fall behind Georgie," I shrug,
"It's fine," Dream bit the side of his mouth.
"Let me go back with you— take care of you," I shook my head and stood, he stood and I glared at him. I looked down at Karl and Sapnap, both staring up in concern.
"Bye." I walk away.

Dream follows behind me.
"I said no, Clay,"

"You need me."
And with that I turn around, just outside the school. He looks concerned and pitiful as always. Nobody looks at me the same anymore.

"I don't need you. I don't need anyone. And I REALLY don't need your eat with me shit. You only know your shit because you spent years in a mental hospital! Because you were dumb and didn't hide your fucking cuts. I don't need you Clay or Karl or Nick! So back off and stop trying all of you!"