it was all just a scream for help.

want to be home.

wordcount : 1560
TW :suicidal thoughts, disordered eating and self harm scars, (finger picking? sh?)

No. I want to go back to sleep, I want to sleep. It's the closest thing to death. Life doesn't make much sense when I think of it.
Everyone has their own life.
Thinking about it makes me panic.
I don't want to go school today.

"Hey Honey, I'm working night shift but i'll make dinner while your in school alright?" I anod and get out of bed. She opens my windows and makes the bed while I'm in the closet.
"Coffee on the counter downstairs, I put it in a disposable— Nick will be here soon," I nod and fix up my hair.

"Hey Georgie, you look like you just rolled out of bed," I hummed and put my seatbelt on, he began to drive in the direction of Dream's house. I fiddle with my fingers again, ripping off any skin that flakes, Sapnap didn't stop me this time, I knew he was watching me. I felt his eyes staring down at me.
"George, did you get some sleep?" Karl asked worried, I turn to face him and nodded slowly,
"Good.. how about you lay with Dream in the back? Maybe he'll cheer you up a bit," I shrug.

"Talk to him. He looks sick and depressed," I heard Karl say to Dream on the other side of the car as he walked around to swap with me. I open the backseat door and shut it softly when I sat by Dream, he rested his hand on my knee as I grabbed my belt buckle.
"Morning George.." I ignore him, I didn't like how they spoke about me thinking I wouldn't hear. He snapped his fingers at my chest and I stared at his hand, not his face.
"Good morning George," he repeated clearly wanting an answer, I sigh and look him in the eye, he raises and eyebrow,
"Morning." I mumbled now looking out the window.

"Uh... George! How about you? Answer to question 2.." the teacher encouraged, she was annoyingly smiley and up herself. I wasn't paying attention, there isn't annoy point if I were to pay attention.  I ignored her, Dream nudged me,
"George it's C.." he whispered as he leant in to me, I ignored him, the teacher crossed her arms. Clay groaned and rested his head in his hands, I sat patiently waiting for a response.

"George i'll be needing an answer," I looked down at my book, Dream was trying to encourage me to speak before something bad happened. The teacher took a sticky note from her desk, it was blue. The only colour I could see, she came over to our table.
"Clay take him to the counsellor, this is extremely immature of you George," I stood and took my back throwing it over my shoulder leaving the room.

Dream followed after me, he grabbed my arm harshly, I winced and stood still, stopping all movements suddenly. He let go of my arm and I looked up at him, he sighed before saying,
"What's going on? If you say nothing I won't hesitate to go to your house right now and talk to your Mum," I wanted to stomp like a child, scream that it wasn't fair.

"I want to go home," I mumble, tears welling up in my eyes, not letting a single tear fall.
"I know you do.. come on let's go to the counsellor," he said starting to wake down the hall, barely getting a few steps before turning back to face me. I'm not going to be interrogated by somebody who has no idea what i'm dealing with.
"George. You don't have a choice," I wanted a choice. Why couldn't I have a choice. He took my wrist and dragged me into the office.

"Now George, Honey you wouldn't talk, why is that?" she asked, she continuously aligned her desk work for everything to be neat and straight.
"I'm sorry. I just zoned out," I said. Lie.

"George..." Karl said, my eyelids were heavy and I looked up, Sapnap sighed and stood, he went in the direction of the canteen. I took my phone out and checked the time, I had 35 minutes left of lunch.
"George, I think you need professional help," Karl mumbled and Dream nudged him.
"Georgie," Sapnap came back, he passed me a bottle of coke, I look up at him,
"Caffeine. You need it," I nod and take the bottle from him, I open the lid and sip at it, small sips. I tried not to think of the calories or how unhealthy carbonated drinks were.
I want them off my back.

"Eat that hm?" Dream held out an apple to me,
I groan and look down at the apple, red. I don't like green apples, they hurt my teeth.
I took the apple from him, I put it off for a while, drinking my coke and engaging in their conversations— without talking, at all.
"Georgie," I look at Sapnap and he smiles,
"want to sleep at mine this weekend? Dream and Karl are," I shook my head.
"Don't think I feel like it at the moment, gonna catch up on sleep." They nod. I can see the worry in Karl's eyes— at least Dream and Sapnap can hide their concern.

I rested my head on the desk, Karl nudge me, I sat up, he rubbed my back,
"George.. 20 more minutes than schools over alright?" he knew I was about to fall asleep.
"Let's talk after school? You me and Nick? After we drop Clay off. I want to help you," I didn't respond, I just looked back at him, raising my head slightly from the desk. He started to rub my back before going back fo filling out our group worksheet.

"Bye Clay!" Nick shouted before driving off, but he stopped, suddenly to the side of the rode, he turned to me and I looked back at Karl.
"George, please. Please talk to us," I look down, I didn't like this. I wanted to go home.
"George, we aren't taking you home until you tell us something, we're your best friends."
But I stayed quiet, at least for a while until I noticed Sapnap was looking frustrated.
"I don't want to talk about it." I mumbled somewhat coherently.

"George, did Clay do something?" Sapnap turns to face Karl confused,
"ever since he came you won't eat," Sapnap looking at me, I shook my head.
"I'm not hungry," Sapnap took a deep breath before laughing, it was a sarcastic laugh, he was fed up with excuses.
"George, your skinny as hell already. Not that anybody would know because your so insecure that your in long sleeves all the bloody time!"
Sapnap was mad at me, I never wanted him to be mad at me. I want him to tell me I mean something to him even when I know I don't.

"Nick... calm down." Karl said, my eyes at my hands, pulling at the skin surfacing my nails,
"Stop! Stop! For God's sake stop ripping at your fingers!" Karl grabbed his arm trying to calm him down. I stopped peeling my fingers, now all my focus was on my bouncing knee.
"You're slowly killing yourself, George." Karl looked down, I want to go home. I want to kill myself. I am going to kill myself.
"We've talked about talking to your Mum! Or just driving you to a damn hospital. Don't think we won't. Tell us everything going on and we will help you, we won't tell anyone," he says.

I wanted to tell them, but isn't this why it all started, I wanted help but now that it's here it's so intimidating, I don't want help anymore.
I want to die.
"Please. I want to go home," Sapnap shook his head, I want to shout but it's not worth it,
"Sapnap let's take him home.."
"He doesn't message us anymore, we won't hear from him until tomorrow and he won't-say a word, so no i'll wait until he wants to say something," I look at Sapnap, he wasn't changing his mind.

"Please i'm tired. lock me in your stupid car and force things out of me another time,"

"The quicker you tell us the quicker you'll be in bed asleep."

"Karl. Please," He just looked down,

"I talk to Clay about it. I don't want more people knowing!"

"You've known him 3 weeks, you've known me your whole life, you've known Karl— what 2..3 years. But you open up to him..." he wasn't mad, he just sounded hurt.

"He gets it.." I mumbled, Karl sat up, he looked panicked.

"Roll your sleeves up.." he said, he was quiet and honestly wasn't confrontational basically ever. I tried to laugh it off but Sapnap stared me down.

"I don't cut myself!" I was mad now, I shouldn't have brought Clay into this, I groaned and Sapnap took my left hand— I was right handed.

"Please George. Please George. Please," he said trying to brace himself. He rolled up my sleeve quickly revealing scars, there were no fresh cuts on my wrists. I started cutting my thighs more often.. I used it to my advantage.

"Their all from years ago.." I mumble and Karl stares at Sapnap worried,

"George you know we both love you right?"