it was all just a scream for help.

need for control.

wordcount : 1000
TW : light denial of recovery, bad body image and mention of suicide attempt.

It's been a few days. Dream hasn't been able to stay long whenever he visits. The thought of the feeding tube makes me feel as though i'm dying. I have no control of my life anymore. Everything from now and on is forced onto me. And I hate it. I feel pity with everyone I've seen since i've tried. I had a panic attack when I saw my mum. She left. She's coming back today.
I think i'm ready now though.

"George... honey, how are you feeling?" I look up at my Mum. I pulled myself to sit up. The pity in her eyes was driving me insane. Stop looking at me like i'm a charity case, God, Please. I smile softly and pull the blanket just to my lap and fiddle with my fingers.
"Sweetie why didn't you just tell me?" I hated that question, what was I supposed to say.
"Do we have to talk about it?" she immediately shakes her head and sits on the arm chair. Crossing her leg over the other and smiling at me, I looked down at my hands.
"I'm sorry baby... what can I do to make this better for you?" I look up.

"Nick's mum texted me, Nick and Clay have to talk to a counsellor after school but Karl did it yesterday so he should be coming?" I nod. I start to trace the scars on my arm. She stood up calmly and kissed my cheek.
"Ana is going to come after dance tomorrow.." I hum while she leaves. It was only 10am. I was bored. I missed the feeling of hunger in my stomach. I didn't feel like myself without it.
The door was still open. I was alone. Again. I sighed and stood, my feet dragging in the socks to the bathroom the metal stand behind me . I stand in front of the mirror and look at my body. I pull up my shirt and stare at my cut stomach. Fat. Fat. Fat. I step backwards. The feeding tube metal stand clanged quietly and hit the sink.

It drives me insane. I touch the feeding tube and remove the tape from the cheek letting the tube fall uncomfortably. I take it between my fingers and grip my nose, I start to pull at it while looking in the mirror. Pain strikes. It was a sharp pain, I whine and hear a knock at the door, I feel a bit of a tug at it and the door opens a bit. A nurse looks at me. I don't recognise him, he opens the door.
"Oh Georgie.." he says. Only Sapnap calls me Georgie, it's our thing.
"Just George... sorry it's just too much—" he walks me back to the room, sitting me on the bed, he adjusts the feeding tube. Just slightly painful. I take a deep breath as he a walks to the table taking the role of thin tape and breaking a bit off.
"You can't do this. Okay?" I nod quietly as he puts the tape back onto my cheek to hold up the tube.
"You should go sit outside. There's a game room down the hall with people your age?
You wouldn't be so lonely," I hum.

"Hi! I'm Niki," a blonde girl said, she was sat at the couch with another guy, he was - and they both smiled, he pat the spot beside him and I smiled and sat down.
"George.." they nod,
"Toby. But I go by Tubbo!"
"You came in midday?" he asks and I hum, he nods.
"I saw your friend. The blonde seemed really scared— the other two did too but he was having an anxiety attack or something?" I look down. I must've triggered him..

"Your friends found you? In school hours?" Tubbo asked, we'd been talking for ages and always made it back to my favourite place.
"I texted one of them just I love you, they already knew something was wrong," They nodded and Niki reached for the pack of cards.
Uno cards.
"You know how to play Uno?" I nod.
We played rounds and rounds.
Didn't win a single one.
They must've had heaps of practice here.

"George?" I turn to the door, Karl was standing in the door way, I smile at him.
"Karl. This is Niki and Tubbo, this is Karl," he waves at them and they smile at him,
"hi," they both say.
"I'm going to go back with Karl.. maybe see you guys tomorrow," I hold onto the metal stand holding the feeding tube bag and help myself up, they nod.
"We're here everyday," he said with a smile.

"They seemed nice.." Karl said rubbing my back as we walk down the halls,
"does everyone at school know?" I asked,
"yeah... the teacher brought it up in assembly. Does that bother you?" I shrug,
"A little... just a bit scary," he nods and sits me on the bed and fixes the stand, he sat on the other side as me and I lent my head into his side, he rubbed my arm.

"What did you and the counsellor talk about?"

"She was just worried if seeing you... like that fucked me up."

"Did it?"

"..no... well it didn't fuck me up. Just scared me."

"I'm sorry, Karl,"

"Don't be sorry.. You don't ever have to be sorry for doing that..."

"I think I triggered Clay..."

"He's okay. Focus on yourself,"

"I don't want to focus on myself"

"and that's why your here, George. I want you to get better. You have to focus on yourself to get better... got it?" I nod slowly.

"I tried to pull the feeding tube out earlier..."
I hear a painful sigh between us.

"I want Clay..." he nods, it was an understanding nod.

"Clay will come visit you tomorrow... with Sap too,"

"Pandas," Karl laughed. We hadn't called him Pandas in a year or so.

"Pandas.." he hummed and returned back the comment.

"I miss having more control."