it was all just a scream for help.

kiss me

wordcount : 1045
TW : disordered eating, self harm - cutting, light suicidal thoughts.

I groan as the blade slights across my wrist, white. Relief filled my body as I striked at my arm again. 1 for making Mum mad. 2 more for worrying Dream, Sapnap and Karl. More and more for myself. For ruining my body. For not killing myself already. For deserving to die.

I let out a whimper and fall back into the wall of the bath, I drop the blade and stare at the beads forming over the tears in my skin. I hear my Mum walked through the hallway,
"George, I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. Hurry up the boys are waiting," I grab vaseline off the counter after I stood, I spoon some up with my fingers and lay it over the bleeding cuts. I pull my sleeves down, I was wearing black. Small portions of blood sept through the cotton.

"Hey George," Karl said, he was sitting in the front today, he went to open the door but I sat in the back. I wanted dream. I need Dream. I was going to cry. I don't want to cry. I want to lay down with Dream. I want him to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay like when we're alone. I felt sick today, faint and foggy.

"Morning George," Dream said as he sat in the car, shutting the door, I pat the seat in the middle and he scoots over and puts his seatbelt on. He pulled me into his chest and rubbed his fingers through my hair.
"You alright?" he asks and I shake my head,  I wasn't listening to Sapnap and Karl's conversation— only Dream's breathing.

"I got you..." I whine and nod silently, we pull up at school, I didn't move and neither did Dream. I looked at Sapnap and Karl,
"Bit longer.." I whine. I wouldn't move. I wanted to stay with Dream.
"George, come—" Karl quickly cut him off,
"Buba, let them stay until first, give Dream your keys," Sapnap sighed and tossed his keys to Dream.

"George.. sit up for me," Dream requested, we had taken our seatbelts off and I was now laying on his lap against his chest. I pull away and look him in the eyes, he rubbed my cheek as I straddled his thighs comfortably.
"Can I tell you something?" I ask, it was time. Time to tell him he was the prettiest guy i've ever seen. He hummed.
"I like you Clay.." I notice a smug grin appear on his face, I smile and fall back into his chest.
"I like you too, George.." I didn't question how he would react considering he kissed me basically right after we met.

"Clay, kiss me?" I asked, I pulled just so we were inches apart, he leaned in and pecked my lips gently. I hummed and lent into his neck,
"you and me against the world, Clay?" repeating the line he had once told me.
"Yeah, hm? What happened to being straight? Huh or that you don't need me?" he said laughing to himself as he reached his hand under my arms to tickle me. I laugh and hit him away and leaned back into his chest.
"I'm sorry.." he rubs my back,
"just kidding," I smile at him wide. He holds my tight.

"You look so sick, love.." he mumbled quietly, I liked the name, I look at his phone as notifications go off, we had 10 minutes until class. He's sitting up. I sat up as well.
"Come on, George.." I whine and kiss his cheek before moving. I look over at him, his cheek flushing in red, hands pulling him forward towards the door.

"George, copy my answers alright?" Karl said, I looked up from drawing shapes in my science prac book. I open up the worksheet he was on and stare at the bunsen burner as it the flame turned blue. He looked at me,
"what happened to the liquid?" he asked teasing I looked over the counter to stare into the beacon. He chuckles and begins to write an answer in the workbook. His book sliding across the table to meet my hand.

"George," Dream looks over at me and I hum just quietly, he passes me his water bottle and his container, he was already nibbling on grapes, I look at the pretzels and back up at him. He smiles and nods at me, I look down at and take a pretzel and bit into it,  small bite.
"Finish the pretzels and have some water, alright?" he stares at my arm, I don't know what brought him to but I look down. The arm I cut this morning, he took my wrist, I didn't cut my wrist, just higher up.

He looks in my eyes, clearly trying to dig something out of me, I gulp, it was just me and Dream today, Sapnap and Karl were in lunchtime detention — not so sure why.
He stares at the discreet blood stains, I stare at him trying to get an expression out of him.
"Clay..?" his eyes look up at me, I can't read him. Why can't I read him.

"We can't go any further — you and me, George. Until you're okay," I broke. I shook my head, he let go of my arm.
"I am okay. Clay, I am—" he scratched the back of his neck and tilted his head down a bit.
"You aren't okay, George. If you're not going to get yourself help, I can't do it. I'm sorry. I like you a lot, George. It's like putting your life in my hands. We can be whatever you want us to be when you're getting proper help. That's a promise.." I looked away quietly.

"I can't get help right now.." he nods and rubs my knee,
"I'll be here when you're ready. You can get help. You're just too scared, I'll be here.. I promise I'll always be here. But you have to understand I can't let you drive yourself to death, finish the pretzels, love.." I nod and look away. I took a while before I was ready to eat again— letting everything he said sink in.

Do I want help?