it was all just a scream for help.

reality.

wordcount : 1010
TW : eating disorder, light talk of suicide.
I scoot over and pat the spot next to me, I flip the page of the sketch book the therapist gave me to doodle in. He didn't want me on my phone for a few more days. I lent into Dream's side, he wrapped his arm around my side and kissed my temple gently.
"Still want to talk to me about something?" I nod and sit up to face him.
"What is it?" he says taking the journal, I take it from him and toss it to the other side of the bed with ease, he smiles softly.
"Us?" he nods, I look at him with wide eyes and he is clearly waiting for me to talk,
"I'm getting help... you said-"
"I know what I said.. so do you want to be exclusive or..." he trailed off and I nod quietly. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

"Why can't I see what you drew?" he whined softly into my shoulder,
"It's dumb.. half the pages so far are ripped or scribbled on." He laughed and moved his head to my chest, one of his legs comfortably and innocently between mine.
"Hey George?" I hum and look down at his green eyes staring up to me,
"I'm sorry I didn't get you help.. I should've. You clearly needed it and I-" I hush at him and stroke his shiny hair in the right direction.
"Don't want to hear you apologise.." he nodded and stopped talking. pushed his hair back off his forehead and kissed his forehead.
"Need anything?" he asked and I shook my head, he hummed quietly,
"have you seen your Mum?" he asked, I groaned, I knew she came with Ana when I napped today but I hadn't seen her.
"I fell asleep. A nurse said her and Ana came by  and sat for an hour or whatever.." he hummed.
"What are you so scared of?"

"So your boyfriends? Like official?" Sapnap asked, jaw open wide,
"that's what they said!" Karl smiled big and hugged Dream tightly.
"I'm happy for you both," Sapnap smiled and pulled Karl to lay down in the armchair.
"Does this mean I can't lay with George?" Karl whined, I laughed and so did Dream.
"No Karl you can't cuddle with him," he said sarcastically,
"have you guys eaten?" Sapnap shook his head.
"Turn the iPad on, you can order food on it," Karl reached for the iPad on the table by them and turned it on scrolling through the options for a while.
"Won't they be suspicious if we order food for all of us?" Sapnap asked, I shrugged,
"They can be suspicious all they want. They can't deny me of food i'm anorexic," Sapnap laughed and passed us the iPad to add whatever we want. I tap on a packet of plain crackers and Dream scrolled down to tap on a sandwich.

"I don't have to eat anything but I just have a bad taste in my mouth, I haven't brushed my teeth since I've been here," they groan. I pull Dream's face close to my mine by the chin and breathe on his face he squinted his eyes and squirmed out of my grip.
"I'll bring you a toothbrush tomorrow," he said laughing, I groan and pull at the machine holding the shit keeping this feeding tube going.
"I have to take this bitch to the bloody bathroom and shit," they laugh. I have a bad feeling suddenly. Everything hit. Reality hit.
I put down the packet of crackers. There are probably hundreds of calories going through my body right now.  I felt too aware of my heartbeat. I lean the back of my head into Dreams chest.

"Hey Georgie... what's wrong?" Sapnap says reaching to grab my hand, I pull my hand back and turned into Dream's chest, he pushed me back. I knew he didn't want to but the feeding tube was around my neck, I turn the other way and dug my head into his neck. I felt tears fall straight into his warm skin he stroked my neck and rubbed my back. Feeling of guilt sat in my stomach.
"Want to talk about now or after we lay for a bit?" I nod at the second option and he hums,
"you talk..." I whisper in his ear, he rubs my back. I knew he didn't know what to say,
"Hey babes, let's go outside.." Sapnap said, I didn't look up until I heard the door shut.

"It just hit... everything hit all at once," he nodded and I sat up to face him, tears staining my red cheeks.
"What's going through you're pretty little mind, lovely?" he wipes my eyes and his other hand sits on my hip as I comfortably straddle his torso. I touch my feeding tube.
"I don't have control anymore. I felt safe having control..." he nodded,
"I know baby... your safer if you just let it go for a bit.." I shake my head. He doesn't get it.
Why doesn't he get it? He gets me. He always does. He doesn't right now.

"I'm sorry... I know it's scary to wake up. But I'm so glad you did.." I fall back into his arms.
"Did you try to kill yourself?" I was curious, he understood most of it besides the reality behind the eating disorder.
"Yeah a couple times... I'm happy I'm here though..." I nod and lay in his chest.
"It's just 2 more weeks here then you'll go home, it'll be holidays too so we will hang out everyday... okay?" I hum.
"I'm happy your here."

"A boy with a thorn in his side was playing when we came.. the song you liked on our date.." I nodded. I didn't know what to say.
I did it on purpose. I wanted Dream to be the last thing I thought about. I shut my eyes.
"Goodnight... if i'm gone when you wake up i'll be here after school," I nod and trace circles into his palm until I'm too tired to continue.