it was all just a scream for help.

the boy with a blade in his wrist.

wordcount : 1222
TW : self harm, dissociation - derealisation, suicide attempt - thoughts.

It's been a few days since Dream took my on that date. He started texting me more often, trying to get my attention. School holidays start in a week and I can't handle school. I can't handle my Mum's screaming all because I failed a few exams. It frustrates me. I look at my phone. Its a notification from Dream. A photo of him biting into his toast with his happy go lucky smile.

DREAM
morning
ME
morning
im not coming to school today x
DREAM
are you okay
want me to come over?
ME
im okay
no its fine :)
DREAM
alright :( you have to come tomorrow
promise?
ME
promise lmao

SAPNAP

ME
not coming to school today.
sorry :)
see you tomorrow.

SAPNAP
oh are you sure georgie
feel okay?
if you wont answer eat something today okay?

My Mum was taking so many extra shifts recently so she could pay for Ana's dance. It's her passion, what she thrives for in life. And my Mum loses herself working at the hospital for her. I stand to my feet. I look down at both my hands. I feel like i'm playing a game, watching myself. I feel like I have a VR headset on. I walk myself to the bathroom. Staring at my hands and stretching out my fingers. I don't feel real. Why doesn't this feel real?

I reach my hand to the drawer. I take out my blade, hidden under a moisturiser. I look up into the mirror. Thats me? How is that me? I don't remember my eye bags sinking so heavily. That's not me. I'm not real. I'm not real. Kill yourself now. Now. Come on George. This isn't you in the mirror. You never looked like that. I pull the sleeves up. This isn't my body. These aren't my arms and these aren't my wrists. This isn't my life. Was it ever mine?

I hold the blade between my index and thumb and strike my arm. White. I love when it turns white. It makes me happy. I slit at my wrist over and over again. No reason. I can feel it but I can't. I can in a way but it doesn't phase me. The blade falls over my vein. I wait.
"I'm not real... this is a simulation," I repeat. I look over at the bath and back at my bleeding arm.

Hot water. I kneeled by the edge of the tub and put the plug in, and turn the water on the hottest temperature. I leave my bathroom. When they find me I don't want to be naked. I take a pair of basketball shorts from when I was 14. Clearly still fit because I've lost weight. I take off my pants and pull them on. I take my shirt off. I don't care. They can see the cuts. They can see the cuts. I want them to see my cuts. I grab out the box of letters, from under my bed, I wrote these over past few years. The most recent was to Dream. But i'm not adding to it. It was written before I liked him. I love him. I decide to text him inside.

DREAM

ME
hey. i love you.
thanks for everything Clay x
i'm sorry.

I hear notifications go off as I kneel to collect special items from the box. My hand lingers towards the ring Sapnap bought me last year on my birthday. I hold it fiddling it between my fingers before pulling it onto my thumb. I left the box on my bed. I drag my feet to the bathroom. Noticing the drops of blood lacing the path from my bedroom back to the bath. It was basically full. I turned the tap off and took the blade in between my fingers and placed it on the side of the bath.

I held my leg up high enough to put my toes in the water. Hot. It's so hot. I grab my phone and open Spotify.
the boy with a thorn in his side.
I put it on repeat and stand in the bath, hands either side of the tub slowly approaching the boiling water. The ring shining in the light through the window, I hear the front door open and running, I sink my arm in the water. ow ow ow. I whine in pain.
"GEORGE!" Dream. It was Dream.
"GEORGIE?" Sapnap said. I heard doors open and shut as I took the blade sternly in my fingers.

I hold up my left arm and draw through a vein, deep as I can. I hear footsteps approaching as blood pours and pours out of my limp, pale arm. I look up and see Sapnap, my arm falls in the water, instantly turning to a darker shade of red. Sapnap panics and I start to sob.
"DREAM! KARL! Fuck... George.. it's going to be okay buddy..." he whispered kneeling by the bath. I didn't feel like myself. I still don't. I feel fear boil as Sapnap cries his hands falling into my hair. Dream came in. He knew what to do.
I could tell.

"Karl! 911. Now. Sapnap get me some cloth bandages!"

"okay.. Sapnap give me your phone.."

"Hey George... Look at me, love.." he carried my arm out of the bath and inspected it for a second before putting as much pressure as he could on the cut. I look at him as Karl dials the number and goes to stand in the hallway.
I whine and tears stream down my face.

"It's okay, I got you... you feel okay?"
"I'm sorry..." he nods.
"Are you feeling dizzy?"
"No."
"Cold?" I nod slowly.
"I'm going to drain the-"
"I got as many as I could find,"
Sapnap kneels by the tub and stares at the ring on my thumb. He goes to take it off.
"I want it with me.." he hums and looks at Dream.
"Blankets." Sapnap stands and goes to the hallway again.
"I'm draining the bath then i'll bandage up your arm? Help will be here soon."

He emptied the bath and wrapped my arms so tight. It hurt more than making the cut. Karl finished his phone call and helped me out. My grey shorts drenched in blood and the dizziness hit me. I fell straight into Karl's shoulder.
"I got you.." he whispers as blankets are thrown around me by Dream after he dried me off. Dream pulled me close to his chest.

Dream sat me down on the bathroom floor,
"5 more minutes.." Sapnap lifted the blanket up and I whined. He pulled my shorts off. I was way to week to argue. Dream cuddled up to me, rocking me back and forth slowly.
Sapnap put trackies on me but I felt my eyes become heavy, my ears rang loudly. They had been talking but I wasn't listening. I couldn't hear them.

"Tired. Ringing..." I mumbled, I heard them talking before I passed out.
"It's okay, Love."
"Georgie stay awake.."
"Too cold Nick.." I whined and I heard Karl sob louder, I open my eyes enough to see Karl shaking in Sapnap's arms.
"You can sleep George. We will be there when you wake up,"

"Don't want to wake up."