My Diary Entries

3/22/15 10:10 Pm

So I haven't really done anything this weekend. It's been boring but I've been re-reading Insurgent before I go watch the movie. I'm sooooooo excited for it by the way! My dad says we'll most likely watch it tomorrow. I hope I'll finish reading it by then, i'm on page 350 out of 525. I'm not the fastest reader, i'm closer to being a slow reader, but I think I might make it if I spend the rest of the night reading and read it during math, and right when I get home. But you should've seen me when I was first reading the series: non-stop. Read it all day and night, and during school I'd think about it. I guess that's how I read the three books all in like one week... So I went from not being able to finish a book in a month to that. You could say it absorbed me and I became more than obsessed. But that also means it felt like my life was missing something when I was finished with them. (The ending didn't help either. No spoilers but i'm still grieving). Yeah... I could go on forever about Divergent and my opinions, and what-not. Maybe this chapter could be all about it. But I just want to say (WARNING: Divergent Faction rant so if you do not care, or haven't read the books or watched the movie, just skip to the asterisk) that amity is my favorite Faction. They are just happy and nice and I could see myself choosing them and they're peace. Plus I relate to them too. I could never be in Dauntless, Im not brave, or reckless, however you'd like to describe them. Candor also isn't where I think I'd be either. I don't lie all the time or anything, but being truthful about everything all the time? That's just not me. I need my white lies like "I did my bed this morning" or pretending I didn't spend the entire night on YouTube. I'm also not selfless enough to be Abnegation. Like I would do anything for the people I care about, but they do that for everyone. I don't think anyone in this world could be like that, but I guess that's what makes it "just a book" as some would call it. And obviously I'd never be in Erudite because as we all know, I FREAKING HATE THEM!!! and That Bitch ! Like can she have not been born or something? But then I guess there wouldn't be much of a story... Whatever i still hate her. I guess she's the only reason I hate the Erudite, since if I look at it from a different way, they are just people who thrive knowledge. Which I don't relate so I wouldn't be in Erudite anyway. But That Bitch (also known as Jeanine) is just so freaking strangle-worthy that she ruins the entire faction for me.

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Okay, back to my life and stuff. I should be doing my science homework but... Yay for procrastination... I did none of it which means I'll probably be up for another two hours still procrastinating it because "I will do it at some point, just not now." And then I'll look at the clock and run to my backpack. Where I'll proceed to lay all my homework out and panic at the image of it, cursing myself for not doing it sooner. Then I write one sentence and "need a break" and get the iPad. I'll probably be on it for about 30 minutes before looking back at the homework, and panicking again. I'll then say "screw this!" And push all the homework away, and run upstairs with the iPad in hand, of course, and be on YouTube for another hour until I finally decide I should go to sleep. Then panic again as I try to fall asleep "I'll regret this in the morning" I'll say to myself. If you thought that story just came out of my imagination, well you're wrong because I was recalling events that actually happened... More than once... In fact they've happened so much in the past. From in fourth grade, then in sixth, a ton in seventh, and i'm still doing it, just a little less frequently. I could be a so much better person if I didn't procrastinate. And my dad talks about it like something that happens a couple of times, well, everyone does if they don't do it frequently like me. But I've been doing this since I started to think school kind of didn't matter in fourth grade. Yeah fourth grade was, hands down, my worst year as far as grades are concerned. For mental and emotional stability, that's pretty much the past three years of my life. I just think something went wrong my brain was developing. Well, I guess it's still developing but still. And it seems most people don't have this problem. So you can either agree with me right now, or think i'm totally insane. I mean I guess that's true anyway... Lol i'm joking but seriously.
Also I thought my feelings for my crush were diminishing but now I see they were growing a bit stronger. That's how crushes kind of work for me: slow and I can't really feel it in the beginning. But then as time goes on, it grows and smacks me in the face as I get tons of sudden emotions. Then it gets terrible and I hate having a crush, and all the emotion i'm feeling. As I start to recover from that I go into my "daydream phase" where I imagine being with them and my stomach flips when I see their smile. This is the part most people feel the entire time when having a crush. It's the part I should be feeling too. But after that it's the terrible part again when I realize all that I imagined will never happen, they'll never see me that way. That part also comes with worsening depression, more mood swings, and wanting to scream at my crush for doing this to me. Then it gets a bit better, but not in the way you'd expect. I then become pretty emotionless most of the time, and life doesn't feel like it matters. I think at this point i'm just telling you the phases I go through with my emotions. They're constantly changing and my mind changes with them. But anyway, after that the cycle keeps repeating. You call it my "emotion-cycle" because that sounds cool. But in the span of three weeks, i'm happy, frustrated and angry, suicidal, and emotionless. You can also throw in the paranoia I get in there too. That's been my past month. What about you? Lol i'm pretty weird... I blame puberty I guess.

-Angel 11:12 pm

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That's been my entry for today! Thanks for reading, and I know I haven't been very active like I was. I've been on my "emotionless phase" as I called it, but i'm just out of it and back in the mood to write!