La Santa Muerte

Memories

giovani sat down on the side and took pictures without her noticing

maricela: what are you doing?

giovani: making memories

maricela: what?

giovani: yea when i was driving back it came to me he always took pictures of us as kids at all the special moments .. i wanted to start doing it myself for us he has every picture back home ..

he looked down

maricela: come here sit down next to me ..

he did and she hugged him ..

giovani: he was so excited to meet him he was giving all the advice he could he wanted me to do better than he did but he did it all yea my sisters hate him i don't even think i can tell them because they'll laugh but he did perfect with me i think .. i don't know if i can do it like he did

maricela:  your already a perfect dad to our lil girl i know you'll be the same with him .. and as for your sisters don't contact them you don't need that right now ok?

he nodded and looked at her

giovani: you ok?

she shook her head

maricela: no .. im not

giovani: what do you mean? whats wrong?

maricela: physically im healing ok i been checked but mentally im really numb i cant connect with him i breastfed him and i been holding him on my chest its like i cant feel anything the birth pains went away and now im just here the nurse said shock but i feel so disconnected right now

he sat back and looked at her

giovani: are you saying you don't love him?

she shook her head

maricela: no i love him hes my world my babyboy hes everything i could've hoped for but i just feel like im not all here i just feel huh

giovani: no i get you .. im sorry it had to be like this I am babe

she nodded

maricela: have they um .. have they said anything?

giovani: lets not talk about that anymore lets make more memories with them let me set up the camera lets take our first family picture?

she side smiled as he got up and set it up

giovani: vivi sit up look mamas

maricela picked up her babyboy and sat her back as he ran back

she could see the pain in his eyes .. if he was trying she was going to try too

some hours went by

viviana: wheres buelo?

maricela ignored her

viviana: mami wheres buelo?

giovani: babe

she looked at her and shook her head

maricela: what do i tell her? her best friend is what?

he sighed and picked her up and sat her on his lap

giovani: buelo had to go home ok?

she looked at him confused

maricela: yea he had to go he said he loved you very very much and that he'd miss you ok?

she sat there confused giovani hugged her with tears in his eyes

giovani: i never wanted to break her heart ..

maricela: me either but things happen .. it'll be ok

she tried her best to keep it all together and enjoy her kids ..

a couple days went by and she was sent home

jocelyn: mari

she looked at her as they walked into there new house

maricela: there you are?

jocelyn walked up and hugged her

jocelyn: you dont know how sorry I am i .. i couldn't face you at the hospital im sorry i should've thought harder warned you told you about that man but i thought when alonso said he had gotten all the men but

maricela: but he didn't .. its not your fault you didn't know im glad your safe though and here you should meet your nephew are you staying with us?

she shook her head

jocelyn: no i took some money and got a hotel im leaving out to California to prepare for the new semester

maricela nodded

maricela: that's good you deserve to move on with life we'll be out to bury him soon

jocelyn: giovani told me ..

she nodded as jocelyn looked at javi in his car seat

giovani: you ok? wanna sit down?

maricela: im fine im gonna go make myself something to eat then pump and help vivi with her homework she was telling me about on the way home .. can you bring me his carseat so i can feed him .. also is the office set up?

giovani: ok and yea its all there

she nodded and walked away

jocelyn: shes colder than usual

giovani: yea it hit her hard she wont take the pain meds either and shes been calm i dont know so im just helping her doing everything i can

jocelyn: here ill take him to her see what i can do

giovani: thanks

he went off to check on things ..

jocelyn: hes so chunky its crazy haha

maricela: 9 pounder and he was almost a month early so what are you going to major on?

she said as she took out javi and looked at vivianas homework

jocelyn: mari? are you ok? this isn't like you?

maricela: like what? im ok? im home have him home helping my daughter with homework?

jocelyn: its like i dont know

maricela: im calm? yea i want to shut down and just break down chug down the pills and not feel a thing i dont wanna be a mom right now because of how angry I am how much hurt im feeling but im not going to be my mother its not there fault they did absolutely nothing so i have to deal with it by myself suck it up and be a mom as much as it hurts i cant hurt them like my mother hurt me

jocelyn: ok im proud of you for making these moves and pushing threw it and being a better mother but your not harming them? abusing them the way you where?

maricela: she abused me physically and mentally at vivis age i was being told some really crazy things and looking back i know that lady wasnt ok she never wanted me she regretted me marrying that man having the life she had i know now she was depressed she had her own issues doesn't clear what she did to me and i dont regret doing what i did to her but i cant let them see that you get me?

jocelyn sat back and looked at her

maricela: take it like this i wont let them see me in pain see the anger i feel ofcourse i wont talk down on there dad i love him like no other im going to be a mother but me inside .. ooo trust me i wanna snap so badly there's a lot going in my mind but i need to be a mom right now it'll come out ..