Shattered Legacies: Book 1, Holo Change

💠 Lucien's Journal: need to get it out💠

Wow. I haven't written in this thing in years.. for good reason. When I pulled it out it was all dusty. Honestly it makes me miss when I didn't know as much. When Angelica used to train me.

I'm writing again because I needed to get this out. I can't just let it build up and explode anymore. It's not healthy and I'd rather not deal with any looks.

I had to kill another one.
His name was Felix, but we called him Noah. He wasn't the closest friend, but I did...care about him. I guess. He was a good guy. But that doesn't matter to anyone. Once you revolt, that's it. If they think you're turning against them they'll send someone to kill you.
I really hate my job.
I know it's important. We can't have our second chance taken from us by the guilds and the royal capital. I've seen what they do to our kind. But.. every time I have to kill someone, whether I knew them or not, a part of me dies too. A piece of what's left. Slowly. I can't really describe it, but it eats away at me every time. I hate it. I hate the feeling, I hate what causes it. I hate the fact I feel anything at all sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I could have less "humanity" like the others. Sometimes I wish I could just end a changing life and walk away like nothing was wrong. But if I did, there wouldn't be anyone there to remember them and tie up loose ends.
Heh... Maybe that's pretentious to say.

To be honest, I am kinda dragging my feet on finding Allerd. He was a good friend to Elliot, and Elliot's in my group. That's the second reason next to not wanting to kill.
Sometimes I wonder if we're really any better than the thread braiders who hunt us...
There's three sides to every story. It'd be nice if that was a motto these people followed.

I had to lie to Sato too. Vlad knew all too well, but Sato didn't catch on. I don't know why they wouldn't tell him about Felix, since he's already on the committee. But I'm not allowed to ask.
And speaking of which, apperenty I'm supposed to use an item the missing doc hadn't used in years to find him? Geez.. sometimes I can't tell if Alaric actually hates me or if the change has just taken him that far. And while I'm asking that, I also can't believe I'm actually still getting upset over him. It's been six years. Let it go, right? I'm a grown man, and so is he.
.......
My ability to track only works if the person touched the item recently. Which was one reason I needed that book on the harvest information he had. But nobody can find that thing. So I got this necklace from his file storage. But just like expected, it isn't working. I can't see squat! I can't feel anything besides my own skin burning up.
I tried after my training today.

I also ran into this Young One again in the hallway. "Roy-Anna". But I'm just gonna call her Anna.
This is like the seventh or eigth time I've run into her. Or she's run into me. Did I unknowingly trigger something in Bedisa's head when I went to talk to her after the exam? I mean, I don't mind talking to the kid. And god knows she seems like she needs a bit of guidance. Especially with what the future holds for her here.
But, it's just weird. This place has a lot of members, but our paths keep crossing. I'm almost freaked out about it.
Anyway, she was crying and seemed really sorry over something. And I know this sounds creepy, but I could smell her aura. Her side of the scale. So I think I know what happened.
Stress is one hell of a switch flipper.

I feel sorry for her. I know Alaric or at least half of the Order would tell me not to, but I do. I know what's coming next and I know what it feels like. My chest burns just thinking about it.
I don't think it's right. And if she has to be worked the same way, she'll end up just like the others. That's a horrible fate. I think I'd end up faking a revolt just to get out of it.
So.. is it bad or weird that I'm actually considering asking him to let me mentor her? I haven't taught in a long time. I don't like it. And I don't know if I'm actually going to ask.
But the idea hasn't left my mind since we ran into each other in the garden.
She seemed afraid and quiet. She reminded me of Cora. So...

I don't know. I have these scenarios in my head, this idea that maybe, just maybe, I can manage to save someone. To make the hell they'll put her through more bearable.
Prepare her.
...Maybe it's just hopeful thinking. But all it takes is one person, right? Plus, she's kinda cute when she's happy. Adorable cute. Like a kitten or something.
She reminds me of... someone. Someone I knew.

I need to get up early tomorrow and get the sweets for the hang out.
Chocolate chip cookies for Garth, with some whipped cream for Sato because he's freaking weird. (Better than putting mustered on them. Ugh) A couple bagels for Elliot and some honey butter. He's weirdly health conscious. Donuts of course, some of them jelly filled for Kaz, a couple ice coffees for the lovers, and.. hm. I guess that's it.
I'll pick of some fruit on the way back though. I don't know why.. but my instincts haven't failed me before.