Shattered Legacies: Book 1, Holo Change

💠Royanna's journal entry 3💠

I hate training with Christine.
It's hell.
It's a version of hell. It has to be.
If she isn't putting us out to fight monsters without knowing how, she's throwing us into walls. And if not that.. then.. she's just.. so mean.
Why?
There's no reason she should be so cruel. If any of us did something to hurt her, we don't remember. It probably happened during our "processing" phase, because.. because none of us have done anything under her watch.
At least...I haven't..

Today was another bad day.
I tried to ask Mr Elijah about Outcasts. But he gave me this speech, about how we're created.. it scared me. And the nasty feeling coming from him didn't help. By the end I wanted to puke, and ran out. (I don't feel like reliving it)
I had to train with a bunch of others in a co-ed lesson. When Christine left to talk on some device, I tried to go and read. I wanted to know more, wanted paper proof of what Mr Elijah had told me.
(I don't like him either. Something about him feels wrong.)
And then Flora and her friends took my book and made me feel horrible.

I just remember the world swirling around me. There was this intense pressure and my heart wouldn't stop hitting my chest. Then I got this rush, and next thing I knew I collapsed near some lockers.
Maybe my magic malfunctioned again.. whatever I felt wasn't exactly normal. I'm.. kind of getting used to feeling sad, miserable. But that's not physical. This was.. something else. Like a flash, something sharp and cold came out of my skin but didn't hurt.

A few Outcasts passed me I noticed when I was crying. But nobody stopped to ask if I was ok. Which I wish I could say I was hurt by. But honestly, it makes sense. Right?
Outcasts don't have souls. So why would they care? A soul is responsible for your humanity. Your ability to care.
Or so it seems, so everything I know is telling me. I know these facts are right. Without a soul, you have no emotions. No empathy. No wants. No joy or sorrow. You are holo. Outcasts are supposed to be holo.
So why did he bother?

Lucien startled me while I was crying. I don't think he meant to though. I was scared he might tell me to go back to class, but instead he sat down next to me.

I wasn't feeling up for talking, so I didn't. He tried to make conversation. Asking me how I was, like usual. But I didn't care.
Actually, no. I cared enough to feel angry.
Something about him being there made me feel mad. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't want to be around a souless husk. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to hear, I just wanted to be left alone to feel hateful and miserable.

And then when he said he understood how I felt... I saw something.
Not in his eyes or anything like that. I saw something in my mind. I know I did.
I felt this sudden pressure in my head, and for a quick second I swear I forgot where I was. It was like seeing those flashes of color and shapes took me somewhere else while I lashed out at him.
I do feel bad about that. I don't know why I yelled at him. It wasn't his fault I had a target on my back because I'm defective.

Then.. he told me about how his own time as a fresh blood was. He was picked on too. Because he didn't fit. I wanted to doubt his words, knowing people could just say things without meaning them. Lie. But, I knew he was being honest. Something about how he was talking about his face said he was being honest. And listening to him did actually help me feel better. Like I could just him.
And then, he told me that everything would get better. It would take time, but it isn't going to stay bad forever.
I had no idea how much I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry again. So badly.

I had to go back to class. But before I left he told me that I could always come and talk to him if I needed to. And he knew that Christine was a nasty person. I'm glad someone else sees it. After everything that had happened, listening to Me Elijah explain Outcasts and scare me half to death. Being made helpless by who was supposed to be my equals. Even everything I've been feeling before today. Confusion, frustration, misery, hate, desperation and fear.. all only increased by the fact I was feeling all of them, it was actually nice to be treated with kindness and understanding. Treated like I had feelings.

... I like Lucien.
He's so nice. And he feels different from the other adults. He's kind, like Sayto and Garth. But he's also nothing like them. He doesn't feel like them either.
Christine and Mr Elijah feel mean and bad. Garth and Sayto feel comfortable and kind.
But Lucien is.. just different. Like there's this feeling of steadiness. Stable, comforting, good, and.. light. He feels trustworthy. Genuine, calming in a way. Even if his attitude his hard to read.
He makes me want to try and keep going.
..Happy? .....

And right when we said goodbye, he changed my name. Calling me something that sounds way more normal than what my name is.
Anna.
He just removed the Roy, from my name, but I don't mind. Actually, I really like it. It sounds nice, and makes me want to smile thinking about it. It just sounds so.. natural. So normal, now that I'm actually thinking about my name.
I never gave it much thought before now. (it wasn't important) But Royanna.. doesn't really sound authentic. Like..I don't know... It just doesn't sound normal in compression. And not just to the shorter name. To everyone else's names. Elliot, Christine, Garth, Elijah, Flora, Damian, Harley, Lucien. Sayto sounds a bit strange, but still natural. Ugh..

But, I like Anna. I like how normal it sounds. And I like how it makes me feel.
I want to smile. And I also want to look behind whatever is there thinking about the name. It feels familiar, and warm.
Royanna..
Roy-anna..
Roy ann-ah..
Anna..
Ann-ah.
Anna.

I'm Anna. At least, I have that.
I wonder what'll happen tomorrow.
Good night.