Shattered Legacies: Book 1, Holo Change

💠 Royanna's journal entry 4💠

Training today was a lot better than it's been since it started! Today Ms, Christine wasn't here because she had another task, so we had a substitute. She was actually pretty nice, though I don't think she knew what she was supposed to do with us completely. She asked questions about what kind of training we were doing, magic or weaponry, and who knew how to do what.
Flora commented for me about how I couldn't do magic. Calling me broken again. And the nice lady corrected her, telling her "nobody here is broken, just made different" and "if you want to be snotty you can go sit in the hall and wait for your mentor".

She actually got in trouble! Flora got in trouble for picking on me! I was so shocked it happened that I don't even know what I said next, just that it was something about how I didn't have a weapon so I usually use the practice ones.
I probably stuttered or mumbled it, knowing myself. But she just said that was ok and good to know. Then asked how many others didn't have a weapon that way she could divide us up and make it more even.

We trained for hours again, but it wasn't that bad. And she even let us have water and take bathroom breaks.
Today we mainly focused on blocking techniques again. Only I actually learned something: it's hard to block magic attacks. A chunk of ice hit me hard when I was trying to shield myself from the cold magic. Better ice than fire though, if I'd been paired with Flora I'd probably be in the infirmary while she claimed it was an accident. Whatever.
I also don't like the feeling of being cold. The hit to the gut didn't bother me as much as the shivering afterwards. Weirdly enough it wasn't a status effect though.

While I was practicing my mind kept wanting to go back to what Lucien said yesterday. About this all just being a change of some kind.
I'm not going to say the idea clears everything up or makes me suddenly be ok with being Soulless. The thought of having no soul still terrifies me. But... If I'm not dead, I've just changed like the rest of these people... It's still scary but I think I can live with it. I can get used to it, without feeling so... miserable and noxious when I leave my room or look in the mirror.

I still don't understand, and I wish I knew what these dreams were about. But I guess I just have to slow down. It's all too much to go through at once, baby steps.
I think... I think the next thing I want to clear up is who exactly this goddess of fate is.

Bedisa.
That's what they call her.
I've heard that name before. I don't exactly remember where, but I know I've heard or seen it or something.
She's supposed to be the goddess of fate, but I don't know what that means. A goddess is just the female version of God, a being of such high power you don't even know for a fact if they're real, but you believe in them for your own reasons. Fate is like something that was meant to happen. But what does being a goddess of fate mean?
They said she can change our fate. Give us a Soul. But only if we prove ourselves as loyal and apease her somehow. I have no idea how to do that.

Is it even possible to get our souls back? I want to think it is. I mean, our very existence is possible somehow. I really want to believe what they say is true, even though it sounds a little too good. I mean, getting your soul back? Who wouldn't want to be whole again? I don't know why she'd give us a second chance, but it's not like I'm complaining about being alive exactly. I don't remember anything about my life before I lost my soul, er, before I..died. But when I think about dying now I know it's not what I want.
I have no idea what I'm doing here but I still want to do it. I want to live even though I don't know what I'm living for! That by itself is confusing as all hell. But I'm not going to bother questioning why I have a will to live. I have enough problems to handle regarding all of this already. And that... feels like a pointless losing fight.

One way or another, I'm somehow alive and want to live. I am Anna, now. Royanna, the Outcast. And that... that's ok. It's ok because I'm not dead. It's ok because I still have a chance. A chance for something. A chance I want. I'm not dead, I'm just... different. Like everyone else here, I was given a second chance when I was about to die, so here I am. I can accept that. I can grow used to this I think.

And maybe... maybe there's hope I can get my memory back too? I mean, I guess I don't really need it if I'm someone else now, but...
I don't know.

Honestly, I'm just glad I can breathe again. Not knowing what I was felt suffocating.
It kinda feels like the clouds above my head are white again. Rainy day sunshine.
That doesn't make sense. Heheh.

I think I should ask around about Bedisa. Maybe Lucien knows something else about her. He seemed to know a lot, he gave me answers. And I'd rather talk to him than Mr, Elijah.
Whenever he looks at me I get this weird feeling, and he always looks so mad. It's like he hates me or something.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to learn about backup fighting. And I think after that it should be the red coats. Red and blue are the only ones left we haven't learned about.
I wonder who I'll learn from? I don't know any blue coat people. I kinda hope Lucien will teach us about what the red coats do, but he's a boy, so that's unlikely. Coed usually isn't allowed for some reason.

That's all for today. Goodnight.