little fox

15

Nat's POV

I watch Rayn carefully as she walks out of the room. Something's not quite right. I've been noticing it since we arrested her parents. no, since we first met her. She's on edge, yet she trusts us. She's fighting instincts that she'd ingrained into herself. I'd seen the way she flinches slightly when someone moves suddenly, or when someone touches her and she doesn't know who. A small wave of sadness washes over me.

"I'm going to go check on her," I announce. Some of my mates nod, and a few others look up at me.

"You sure that's a good idea, Tasha?" I glare at Clint.

"Yeah. and stop using that nickname, or I will shoot you." he huffs and climbs into the vents.

"It's probably a good idea to check on her, but be careful. " I look at sam.

"What are you suggesting?" Sam thinks for a moment before answering.

"She's recovering from abuse and neglect. We don't want her to think that we think she can't look after herself. Or that we're trying to control her." I nod, knowing full well what happens when she feels threatened. Or her PTSD is triggered.

"seems fair. we can't have her jumping out of any more cars," I joke. A few of them chuckle while the rest smile. "Anyway. I'm still going to check on her." I turn around and make my way to her room. as I walk, I can't help but think about where all the signs are pointing. I take a deep breathe when I stop outside her door. I stop as the sound of her humming filters through the wall. the tune is cheerful but has huge hints of sadness in it. my concern triples. I knock on the door and she stops humming immediately.

"come in," she yells. I open the door instantly and step into the room. she looks surprised.

"what's wrong, nat? did I do something?" my heart cracks to hear her think like that.

"no, you didn't do anything, дорогой. I just wanted to check on you. so you wouldn't think we don't care." her adorable face crinkles in confusion.

"you all worry about me too much. how could I ever think that you don't?" I laugh at the truth in her statement. she has a point.

"you're right, we do worry about you a lot. but we worry because we care. alright, дорогой?" she nods and smiles at me. I smile back, but the feeling that something wasn't right doesn't go away. I start to close the door, then I realize.

there's blood on her bandages.

I slam the door open again and stalk over to her bed, closing the door behind me. she jumps, then starts to curl up into a ball. I grab her arms at the elbows, just above where the bandages stop. she's rigid with fear now and breathing heavily. I trace a finger over the bandages and stop at the slowly growing splotches of blood. she whimpers as I tap them softly and starts trying to pull away from me.

"What happened here, дорогой?" she shuts her eyes and looks away from me. she's scared of me right now. I have to be gentle. 

"дорогой. show me you." she opens her eyes and looks at me, confused, but still scared. "where's your fur, дорогой?" she shakes her head. I sigh.

"why not?" she stops pulling for a second.

"because it's not natural. it's disgusting and I hate it." my heart shatters.

"дорогой, you're beautiful, regardless of the form you take. I love you anyway," I coo, kissing her face gently as I speak. she says nothing, just leans her head on my shoulder. I trace the bandages again. "дорогой. I'm going to need to take these off." she doesn't move, so I start unwrapping them carefully. I inhale sharply as I take in the jagged expanse of scars, cuts, and blood. some look years old, some look days, some look minutes. my heartbeat and breathing quicken and my hands start shaking. 

"why," I whisper. I feel my eyes start to water. 

"Please don't make me answer that," she whispers. tears pour out of my eyes and trace rivers down my cheeks as I start sobbing silently. 

"this- this needs to stop, Rayn. you need to stop. I need you to stop, Rayn." she flinches and tries to pull away again, but I trap her against my torso, her tiny frame fitting into mine easily. "Please. I can't take this. Thank god it wasn't Barnes, Rogers, Banner, or Stark that found out. they'd go berserk. Literally, in Bruce's case, but you know what I mean. I love them all to death, but we can both agree that it wouldn't have helped you." she giggles and nods in agreement. 

"So. let's make a deal. We make a code word for when you need help with something like this, and I'll help you and help keep it secret from the others. Sound good?" she thinks for a while, then nods.

"what's the codeword?" I hum, thinking about what it should be.

"how about Tasha? no one is allowed to call me Tasha, so it works. and it's not suspicious that I let you use it and no one else." she nods, happy that I'm respecting her boundaries. we lay down on the bed and cuddle, but the question is burning on my mind. "дорогой, I'm sorry, but I need to ask. if you don't want to answer, then don't." she nods, and I take a breath before asking. 

"дорогой. have you ever tried to kill yourself?" she laughs quietly.

"I'm surprised it took you this long to ask. it's weird to have someone respect my boundaries like this." it hurts me for her to talk like this. she pauses for a minute, exhaling before she continues. "yeah, I have. a couple of times." I tense up in shock, then pull her against me tightly. she squeaks and adjusts herself before continuing.

"I got really low at my time in HYDRA. so I tried to slit my throat. didn't cut deep enough and they managed to fix it. before HYDRA, I took a shit tone of pills I wasn't supposed to have. another time, I put a bullet in my mouth. and spit it right back out. jumping off roofs won't kill me, it's just painful to heal all the bones in my body at the same time." I'm crying again by the time she stops.

"Promise me you won't do it again. please," I whisper. she nods.

"Promise."