When Summer Ends (Four Season Series #1)

WSE-Kabanata 36

Kabanata 36

While I breathe, I hope

Maginhawang pakiramdam ang siyang hinahanap-hanap ko. Iyon ang matagal ng nawala sa akin sa pagdaan ng maraming taon. I have feelings but I cannot really feel it because I'm numb. I was very much alive but at those time... patay pala ako. Dahil ang kaluluwang akin ay naisama sa libingan.

Anim na taon.

Anim na taon ang nakalipas ngunit ang sugat sa akin ay hindi pa rin naghihilom. The wound was still fresh and bleeding. At hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin. Hanggang ngayon nagdadalamhati pa rin. Hanggang ngayon... takot pa rin ako. Dahil sa takot na iyon isinakripisyo kong hwag bisitahin ang sariling anak... kahit minsan lang.

Duwag ako dahil hindi ko matanggap. I was stucked in that blue era because I don't want to let go, na kahit sumusulong ako... at some point in time, I find myself in year 2021. So until now I am in tribulation. The nightmares of the past haunts me... even my own child.

Ang inaakala kong nalagpasan ko na iyon, hindi pa pala. Dahil hangga't hindi ko matanggap na wala na siya, patuloy na sisisihin ang sarili sa kapabayaan, at hindi maiwan-iwan ang nakaraan, hinding-hindi ako makakalayo. I will remain a coward and continue to live a miserable life.

Kaya naman sa pangatlong pagkakataon na bumisita, sumabog ako. The warmth feelings I've been longing to feel came rushing out all at once. My baby, my little angel still awaits me here... Waited on me for so long to visit him... Ready to let him go... and finally said my goodbye. It was formidable and tormenting yet for the longest time, the feelings I'm longing for embrace me, giving me solace. The soul I deeply buried comes alive, now a newborn for a fresh start.

The moment I feel my baby's invisible touch once again, I crumble down. But it was short-lived because I felt another warmth... A visible touch. This... is so much closer to me, it was more summery embrace and incandescent, a burning sensation that spreads throughout my body I wanna feel, stay and live perpetually.

"Zachary," I called his name and hold tightly his forearm around me. He pulled me more closer to him and felt him kissing my hair.

"I'm here, love. I'm finally here," he soothingly whispered.

Mas napahagulhol ako ng malinaw na marinig ang boses niya. Dahan-dahan akong lumingon at natagpuan ang nangingislap na tsokolateng matang nakatitig sa'kin. I slacked off staring back at him. Kung kaya't nang sumilay ang ngiti niya ay mas napahagulhol ako. I quickly turned to face him and hugged him back.

"Zachary!" Hindi makapaniwalang bulalas ko, patuloy ang pagragasa ng luha.

"Yes, Leighrah Dawn. I will never leave you and forsake you," he repeated with conviction. I cried even more.

"I'm sorry... I am so sorry I didn't tell you! Patawad kung tinago ko ito sa'yo, Zachary! And I am deeply sorry for abandoning him and never visited him!" I sincerely apologize. Hinawakan niya ang ulo ko at dinala sa kanyang dibdib. Mas humigpit ang yakap niya sa'kin kaya lalo akong nagsumiksik sa kanya at binaon ang mukha sa dibdib niya.

"Hush, love. You don't need to be sorry, Leighrah Dawn. Naiintindihan ko. It's all over now. Don't be guilty. I'm okay. Don't be sorry."

"Na- natatakot akong iwanan ang alaalang iyon... dahil- dahil... nababahala ako... na baka hindi ko na siya maramdaman pang muli sa oras na bitawan siya. Even- even if it's painful, I endured it because it's still a feeling kaysa naman wala akong maramdaman... Kaysa naman hindi ko siya maramdaman... kaya pinanatili kong isabuhay iyon kahit nakakapanghina sa sakit."

"You did. But you're finally letting it go now, letting him go... ready to move on kaya nandito ka, bumabalik upang matiwasay na makapagpaalam."

Tumango-tango ako upang sang-ayunan siya. "And he's been here, Zachary, I can feel him. Hindi niya ako iniwan dahil nandito lang siya hinihintay ako na bisitahin siya. And I feel so guilty for not visiting him for long years..." Even if I'm longing for his touch and missed him so much, my fear reigns.