The Unwanted Marriage

Chapter 54

ARTHUR

2 weeks.

It had been 2 weeks since we lost our baby. I thought we would get better, I thought she would get better. But we didn't. We were far from getting better, she was far from getting better. In fact, we were not getting better at all.

My loss had taken a toll on me. I thought I would start to get over it after a few days, but it was hard when I hardly got the support from the only person I wished to receive the support from. It was hard when your wife kept pushing you away, when I was just as devastated as her to lose our baby.

I kept trying, I tried everything to get her to talk to me, but I was getting tired with everything. I was tired for being strong for us, I was tired to try. I wanted my wife to hold me and heal with me together. But it was hard when she didn't even want to try.

It had been 2 weeks since I last heard her voice. It had been 2 weeks since she last talked. I didn't know what to do anymore, none of my efforts had succeed in making her to start talking again. And I was tired of trying.

So I stopped trying. I stopped trying to get my wife to talk to me. I stopped trying to make things better. I stopped trying to heal.

After taking a break from work for 2 weeks, I decided to leave for work today. It was no use to grieve and isolate myself in the house. My colleagues needed me too, and I couldn't turn my back from my responsibility at work.

I watched my wife as I got dressed for work. I knew she was awake but kept her eyes closed, whether she refused to look at me or she just didn't want to wake up. 

It had been 2 weeks but I made no progress in making her to talk to me. The most I received was a small nod.

It hurt when she pushed me away. It hurt when she didn't think about how I felt about our loss, and with her turning her back on me. It hurt that I so badly wanted to heal with her but she didn't consider to heal with me but did to her own self, in her way.

It hurt that I might completely lose my wife.

*

THEA

Pain. Guilty. Ashamed.

They all came rushing into me at once and I couldn't even get the chance to stand on my guard.

Pain, from losing my baby when I was so close to meet him. Pain from having a stillbirth, thinking it was not possible for me to experience it. Pain that I, once again, lost someone I love.

Guilty, for being the main reason why I lost our baby. Guilty that I was not taking care of myself as much as I should have. Guilty that my body was not strong enough to keep our baby grew inside my womb. Guilty that I took away my baby's chance to live. Guilty that I was the cause of our fetal loss. I had seen how excited and happy Arthur was waiting for me to deliver his son, but I took him away from him. I took his chance to meet his son, because I was too selfless of myself. Guilty that I, once again, pushed him away when I knew how much he needed my support too.

Ashamed, for acting the way I did. Ashamed of myself for my coping mechanism over the loss of our baby. Ashamed that I was being childish and unfair, for pushing my husband away when all he did was trying to console me and make me feel better. Ashamed that I gave him nothing but a cold shoulder when he was as devastated as I was. Ashamed that I didn't think of his feelings and only care about mine.

I was in denial the first few days after I lost our baby. It was the hardest day of my life, the pain was unbearable, just like when I lost both my parents and my twin sister.