Lumai's Mind

Chapter 16: Smoke Zone

I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to go to sleep. Both were pain filled hells. Even now, eyes closed and lying on my right side, I couldn't escape it. The Demon and Devil weren't home but they were still here haunting me.

Sleep was difficult to find especially with fresh cuts on my back and front with a possibly fractured left arm, nightmares were easier.

I missed work, I'm probably fired. I couldn't care about that right now, though. I always believed I was stronger and smarter than everyone else because I was independent from nearly everyone. Turns out I'm weaker. I can't even make my birth mother love me, let alone the other three guardians I've had. Guardians is a bit of a push, don't ya think?

I can't sleep. It's vulnerable and scarring. I can't move. It's agonizing and unbearable. I can't cry. All my tears are gone and my throat is tight, dry and hoarse. They punched, kicked, stomped, kneed, whipped, carved and strangled me yesterday. They tortured me because I woke them up unnecessarily and cooked in their kitchen. What else would they do? How far would they go?

Out of instinct I tried curling into fetal position but nearly yelled from the pain it brought. The cuts had all started to scab over but the ones on my back just stretched and burst open like a dam with bloody rivers to follow.

Hot blood cooled on my skin as it flowed toward the bed sheets. The stream somewhat soothed my back but also made it sting more. Even my own blood hurt me when it's pretending to help. I'm so weak...

Just five more years, I told myself. Five more years. I won't last two, I need to get out. Even if the world could do without me, I don't want them to stop suffering. They bring me suffering and I'll throw it right back. I won't succumb to giving up, I am strong enough to fight back and make others just as miserable. If I'm not strong enough for love and happiness then I have to be strong enough to be a monster. It doesn't take much, just hate. Pure hate overrides morals and shapes a monster.

Surviving can make you a monster or weak. I would rather be wicked than weak. Ain't no rest for the wicked... Guess it's because of the nightmares.

Waterfalls still thunder and roar. Just make them think it's not pain. Being a waterfall isn't to bad, fresh water always flows through you, you inspire and are feared, you can get hurt because you're water. Acid rain is made by pollution anyway, waterfalls are a natural ruler.

It was Monday but I don't think I can get to school, I won't even survive walking out this building. I don't want to stay here though.

I bit my tongue and clenched my eyes as I slowly and excruciatingly propped myself up on an elbow. That was nothing compared to the pain seering through my body when I actually sat up. My head felt heavy and my eyes were unfocused but I kept going. Standing was difficult but not yet impossible. Yet...

I changed clothes and wiped any more blood off as gently as I could. I made my bag lighter by emptying it from anything I could survive without like water bottle, food and books I wouldn't use.

I stumbled and grunted while using the walls to support me. By the time I got to my door I was out of breath and crying from pain. Turns out I do have more tears.

What was usually a fifteen minute walk became and hour of agony. I took lots of stops to regain my strength and breath, by the time I got to school I was sweating like crazy and nearly sobbing. I woke up insanely early –or rather failed to sleep after a woke up from passing out– so even with my prolonged walk I was there before most kids.

I sat on a unpopular bench because it was easier than sitting under a tree. Initially this movement caused my cuts and bruises to hurt tremendously but after a few minutes of fighting tears they calmed down a bit.