Lumai's Mind

Chapter 30: Reality Is Not

Monster.

....monster.... ...
monster

MURDERER!

Monster...

"Shh... shh..." I hissed weakly through my teeth, "Please stop."

Killed him.

you... killer!

monster.

Murderer.

"Accident. It was an accident." I pleaded for my mind to cease its torment and impossibly curled in on myself more. The computers beeped nonchalantly around me as I rocked back and forth, head in my hands. "He hurt her, he just needed to be hurt back."

Liar... killer

vengeful monster!

"Shh... shhh," I whispered. Shh.. Images of when I killed the man invaded my senses.

Look at his pain!

"Look at mine. Are you satisfied!" I stood up suddenly, ignoring the way my head spun and my body wavered. "This is the consequences. I feel no remorse! Are you satisfied!" I whipped around wildly, searching for someone to yell at. Searching for the thousands of voices hissing insults at me.

But they were all inside my head.

I steadied myself on a metal computer box as I swayed again. Ragged breaths stung my parched lips and I slid the the ground in a dizzy mess.

"Are you satisfied?" I slurred quietly as my vision blurred into black.

I shivered against the cold floor as I woke. Small colourful flashes amongst the darkness reminded me of where I was and soft beeps sounded around me. I curled up in a poor attempt to warm up.

It was early morning, a cold morning. I cuddled Tarnyx close in the concrete corner, trying to surround her with my body heat and block out the chilling wind. A few scraps of things lay around, waiting to be ready to be made into a hut but no blankets, extra clothes or proper foundations of shelter were around to provide some warmth or cover from the unforgiving cold. I focused on a small, warm weight against my stomach in an attempt to not notice the cold. Times like these I was glad to have my cat companion.

I blinked away the memory, thinking of how I would like to have Tarnyx here now. Was she okay? Did she get the help she needed? Was she happier without me? Safer without me?

I'm not a monster...

But I am, right Tarnyx? I'm a monster. I thought to myself in response to her words echoing in my skull. A monster.

I felt my wings reappear and curl around me in the darkness, blocking out the tiny lights of the computers. (A//N: They aren't desktop or laptop computers in case you're confused. They're big metal boxes with most of the hardware and whatnot behind a certain thing like instagram for example.) I snarled slightly in the blackness as that one word whispered in my mind on repeat like a broken record. I hardly noticed how my wings acted as a black out and provided a much appreciated warmth because of how focused I was on the two syllables resounding against the walls of my head.