Lumai's Mind

Chapter 28: Crown Me Chaos

(A//N: The photo is how I imagine Lumai's wings to be positioned. Instead of from her shoulders they come from the back of her lower ribs or middle back.)

Have you ever just stopped seeing? You know, when it looks like you're staring intently but you only see blurry, unfocused blodges with no meaning or registration to you? But you're not even thinking intently. No, it's just like a thick, foggy haze envelopes your mind.

But at the same time you're aware of absolutely everything. Every little sound is like the chaotic thunder of a waterfall. Every movement is like a flashing sign amidst black, drab rocks. Every smell overwhelms your body until you can taste through your nose. And your thoughts race, like cheaters with dragonfly wings... crazy fast, like a tornado was spinning so fast that you couldn't see or feel it but knew where every individual particle inside was.

That's what Lumai's been like for these past ...days? Minutes? Weeks? Or is it Lumai that's been like this? Lumai was the name given to an unwanted child. The child that grew through lies like an eel through water. The child that went through pain again and again. Lumai was what the world chose.

I want to be who I chose.

I don't want to be Lumai. Lumai is broken and unblinking in an unknown hospital room because of the world pain. I don't want that pain. I don't want this identity.

I will be born anew. As a Phoenix.

My body, stiff from days– I think –of not moving, seemed to creak and tremor as I jolted up suddenly, snapping out of my hyperly-non-existence state. A sickening grin spread across my face and a heavy weight hung from the back of my ribs, familiar in the way is seemed to make me feel lighter.

I've truly gone mad.

Perhaps it is a subconscious quest; i'm being sent by my mind to strip the world of weakness by revealing it and in the process, discovering who I want to be. Not who the world made me.

Vengeful spirits flooded my mind in thoughts but soon after I began basking in it I caved in on myself, dark, heavy blankets somehow encircling me as I curled up in fear.

Images of a mauled body howled at me. Images matched with memories. Shredded face. Gutted like a fish. Limbs swinging like skipping ropes.

My stomach dropped in a heavy hollow and heaved up its mystery contents simultaneously. A strange feeling, stomach falls out your ass but anything inside it goes out your throat.

The blanket parted away from the vomit and retreated behind my back as I began to dry heave. Vaguely, I was aware of a humanoid figure coming to clean up my mess and prevent me from making more, possibly check on me but I doubted that. What consumed my mind more was that feeling in my gut that I couldn't quite place. Not guilt but something else... something primal.

The human moved suddenly to reveal a woman who suddenly flinched and backed away, eyes wide. I narrowed my eyes at her in disgust and hate. She was scared of me! I'd only vomited and she was scared, that's how quick my poison got her. She doesn't get to be scared when I'm the one unresponsive for unknown periods of time because of trauma. I'm the one chucking up food I don't remember eating because I'm scared if what I've done. I'm the one that lives in apprehension and fear.

A whisper in my head reasoned that my fear didn't mean hers wasn't valid but I was far to raged to register it or the fact she was looking between me and something behind me with equal fear. Slowly, I lowered my chin without breaking my withering glare. She bolted. I didn't chase.

Huffing, I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, dark feathery wings swing around to lazily sit next to my shoulders. For a minute I didn't think twice on the massive things but once I pulled myself from brooding any longer, I almost screamed.