Well, We're Not Alone Now - Book One - Alex Turner

Forgive Me First Love

-Forgive Me First Love-

"I catch my breath, we're just one beating heart

And I embrace myself, please don't tear this apart"

-Bound To You- Christina Aguilera-

15th Of August 2012

Lying on my back, I closed my eyes and watched the light from the sun dance on the backs of my eyelids. The grass was soft and cushioned my body against the earth below me. I could hear the breeze brushing against the leaves of the Oak tree above me. I felt the shadows of our clothes blowing above my head. The smell of the fresh washing entwined with the natural smell of the land. It was late morning and he still wasn't back. After he left, I cooked, finishing just as the sun set. And I waited. Waited until my eyes stung with tiredness and thoughts of where he could be became too much. Going to the bathroom I had slipped myself a sleeping pill, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep on my own, and let myself fall into dreamless slumber. I woke to an empty bed and had robotically tinkered around the house, readying myself for what I was going to say. Getting ready for what I knew I must do. A bird twittered in the tree and I picked at the grass with my fingers, yanking it away from it's roots. Why was it with life that every time I tried my hardest to love and be loved it all got fucked up? I was never enough. What was I supposed to do to make him want me properly again? I knew his feelings for me still ran deep, but I just didn't know where they were anymore, because they certainly weren't with me. I was tired of trying now I wasn't getting anything back. I didn't have the energy. I didn't know where he had gone when he stayed behind. Yet I'm still waiting for the day where he will once again say that I make him feel a way he's never felt before and I'm all he needs and that he'll never want more. When I look at him for these words, waiting for him to say it, all I get is the look that shoots me down each and every time. I wished with all my heart that he would tell me why he was wasting our time, when his heart was obviously not satisfied.

My ears pricked up as I heard the rumble of his engine in front of the house. I snapped my eyes open. Sitting up I took a few seconds to calm my breathing before standing up and turning towards the house. The glass doors showed me my blurred reflection as I neared them. My hand reached out to push them aside, letting myself step into the kitchen just as I heard the front door open and shut. I left the door open behind me, needing the fresh air to keep me standing. Al walked into the kitchen, eyes weary as they flickered around the room, feet heavy against the floor. The thing that caught my eye was the small bouquet of lavender in his hand. My heart gave a squeeze at the sight of them. He walked towards me, his feet obviously wanting to be somewhere else. I waited until he was in front of me, eyes directed at the floor. I waited for him to speak first, which he did after a couple false starts, "Rhea, I'm so sorry." He stuck out his hand with the lavender in. I just looked at it. Flowers were not going to make this alright, neither were those words. He sighed, glancing at me, before setting the bouquet on the side next to us. He turned back to me and reached over, cupping the side of my face in the palm of his hand, "Rhea…" I closed my eyes at his touch, using all of my will not to turn into the warmth of his skin. I felt his breath of my lips and had only a moment to prepare before his was on my mouth. The kiss was tainted by unsaid words that pricked the back of our lips. The lavender was just salt in the wounds they made. We both pulled back and I felt sick, the weight of everything weighing like a rock in my stomach. I knew neither of us could bare to meet each others eyes, but I had the feeling it was for different reasons. His appearance was a mess. He stank of smoke, sweat and drink. He wore the same clothes as yesterday and they were rumpled, looking like he had tried to sleep in them. The circles under his eyes gave me more clues to where he had been, but I couldn't bare to put them all together, to join the dots.