Well, We're Not Alone Now - Book One - Alex Turner

If You Fuck With My Heart...

-If You Fuck With My Heart…-

"About as subtle as an earthquake, I know,

My mistakes were made for you"

-14 January 2012-

The table groaned under the pounding of our fists as we kneaded the dough. Puffs of flour swam in the air, making the already stuffy kitchen, dense looking. The light above our heads illuminated the orange and white walls of the big family kitchen. My hands were red from the constant movement, but I rejoiced in the task, it took my mind elsewhere, to places even he couldn't reach. I watched my hands turning the white dough, this way and that, pulling it, stretching it, until it was fluffy with life.

"I think that should be enough now, put them in the bowl, then place them on the fire to rise. Don't forget to put a tea towel over it now." Said my mother from where she stood to my left, hands caked in the stuff, flour dusted over her entire being. Mam was never a clean chef.

"Mam, I have made bread with you before."

She waved her hands at me in a dismissive gesture, flinging a small amount of dough off her fingers and into the air, "It's just habit Rhea. I swear I have to re-teach Kes how to make bread every time he gets round to helping out. Right lazy bugger he is."

I shook my head at my Mother. She was always bad mouthing her children, but with such affection and love did she raise us, nobody cared what she called them.

After I had placed the dough in the big mixing bowl and put them on top of the fire place to rise, I went and washed my hands of the sticky mixture. When I was done I stood and stared out of the window into our overgrown front garden. It was now nearly dark, the last rays of sunshine streaming in through the glass.

I had come back to my Mam's because I had missed my family with a passion, so I had got the first train I could that Friday and headed to Wales. Well at least thats what I had told her. It had been nearly a week since he had walked out of my life. After I had screamed and shouted at him, until he left. Just remembering the scene made my almost cripple with sadness. I hadn't told anybody what had happened, not even Jade who had bugged me about it so much I had shouted at her. I didn't shout at Jade, I just didn't do that sort of stuff to her, so after I had raised my voice, she had left me well alone. So alone that I hadn't spoken to her since Tuesday. It was now Saturday and although I was home, my heart was elsewhere.

Since that Sunday Morning, I had been walking around in a dream state, running on instincts and my friends generosity. Many of them were used to my down times, but this time it was different, and they knew it. Like Jade, many had tried to get it out of me, even some of my teachers at Circus Space, but I had closed down with such force that they had left me well alone. So far that was me. Alone. But now I was back home, I had been waiting for Mam to pick up something was wrong. So far she hadn't mentioned anything to me, but when she had picked me from the small station in our local town, she had frowned and given me a extra big hug. Since then she had not been patient with my siblings loudness, and had saved me from many bouts of questions that had been fired at me from all of them. She knew something was up, and I think she was just biding her time. Waiting until it was just me and her. And now she had found it. All the others had gone out to see our Auntie play football in Cardiff, it was big game, but I had stayed at my Mother's insistence.

"Rhea?"

I turned round to face her. She stood leaning up against the small fridge, giving me her full attention. My Mam was tall, round cheeked and wild haired. Rarely was she completely clean, usually she would have earth under her nails from her obsessive gardening, ingredients from whatever she had been cooking, or perhaps even a smudge of makeup gone wrong. I loved her with a fierce passion that had me up and enraged if anybody was to say anything even slightly offensive about her. She had been there for me when my friends had disappeared, and my heart and very body was broken. She had supported me in my wild pursuits of circus, scraping together money for my travels with various groups so I could get the experience she had once dreamed of. She had been there for me when my father had given up on me, abandoning me because I wasn't what he had envisioned I'd be. To him, circus was just a passing phase, and I would one day realise that I should go to a 'proper' universite and get a 'proper' degree. He had lost his way somewhere between his marriage and choosing work over building up a strong relationship with his children. I had given him all my love and attention until I had realised that he gave me next to nothing in return. That was the day I had left and not talked to him for over a year. That being the year that I had started with him. Jamie. The man who had damaged me so much I couldn't bare to love the man I wanted.