The Story of Griffin Hawkins

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Week Three

Tuesday

            I felt like shit again, and I hated feeling that way. After Friday night and besides work, I pretty much moped around all weekend. I threw on a fake smile at work and Kirsten, but she knew me well and could tell there was something wrong. When she confronted me, I simply told her I was overwhelmed and stressed out, which wasn’t a lie anyways. It was easily foreseeable she was going to ask me about Harley and mine’s fight, but I wasn’t in the mood to tell her. I pretty much figured Harley would tell her anyways. I also decided to leave out the small fact that I had actually cut myself.

            I still couldn’t believe that I had done that to myself. I had made myself a promise not to do it again after freshman year of high school. It hadn’t achieved anything then and sure as hell wasn’t achieving anything now. I only let myself down again and scolded myself for disappointing myself.

            The entire idea that I disappointed myself had me crying so hard the next night that I gave myself a panic attack. I began to hyperventilate and felt like I was being suffocated as my face was plastered with tears. I couldn’t breathe out of my nose and my brain began to feel like it was going to implode. I tried to rub my temples to make it go away, but it just wasn’t working. I started to gag, and then heave, before I finally threw up in the toilet. I sat on the cold tiled floor of my bathroom with my face resting on the seat. I continued to empty my stomach until there was nothing left.

            My body calmed down immediately, I was able to breathe normally and the waterworks stopped. I wiped my mouth before I flushed, washed my hands and face, and brushed my teeth. I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment before I became disgusted and went back to my room. My nose continued to run and I sniffled with a sudden calm feeling within me. I went to my bookshelf; my hand shook as it loitered over the movies for one to watch. I picked a Disney movie and shoved it into my laptop. I bundled myself up in my bed with my laptop and fell asleep watching it. It was as if the panic attack never happened and there was that unnatural serenity within me, which freaked me out more than anything.

            Over the weekend, there had been a bit of sun and a few warmer temperatures causing the snow to melt. The roads were wet and dirty, but at least I wouldn’t be slipping all over the road and it wouldn’t take twice as long to drive to places. I arrived in the normal time it took to get to Dr. Harris’ office. After giving the girl at the front desk my co-pay, Dr. Harris quickly came out to get me in the waiting room.

            I followed her down the low-lit hallway and into her office. I took a seat in the already familiar couch and took off my pea coat. I got myself comfortable while she took her seat as well. She put the notebook in her lap and stared at me with her comforting smile.

            “How is it going today, Cadence?” She asked with her green eyes boring into mine.

            “I’ve been better,” I told her honestly.

            Her smile faltered, “What has changed since the last time we talked?”

            “Well, a friend of mine told me he was in love with me and I,” I paused unsure if I sure tell her. She was supposed to be someone I could tell anything to, right? “I cut myself.”

            Her smile dropped and her eyebrows furrowed as she scribbled that down on her notepad. “Cadence, have you been having suicidal thoughts?” She inquired and I nodded. She scribbled down in her pad, “Are you a danger to yourself?”