The Story of Griffin Hawkins

Chapter Twenty-Three

2015 Copyright All Rights Reserved

Unedited, first draft

Chapter Twenty-Three

Week Seven

Tuesday

I had not talked to Griffin since we spent the day together on Friday. I wasn't sure where he was at or what he was doing, but he had tried to get into contact with me. I didn't want to talk to him. I gave vague and redundant excuses as to why I couldn't hang out with him. He accepted my excuses, but I knew he didn't believe me.

I enjoyed spending my time with Griffin, truly I did. The problem, however, was not my enjoyment while I was with him. Instead, it was the slap back to reality once we departed ways. The other problem was that it was all in my head. During the brief blissful happy moments with Griffin, I forgot about how bad I felt. The moment I had woken up Saturday morning, I was painfully reminded of how low my self-esteem was. My problems came rushing back like a Mack truck into my head, and I realized the honeymoon happiness was gone and I was again consumed with self-doubt.

I had recently learned about my personality type. Although the personality test was not perfect, it did tell me something that I knew to be true. I had a 'catastrophe mode', in which I was pessimistic, only seeing what could go wrong, rather than what could go right. I berate myself when failure occurs, but worst of all were the visions of doom. I have the tendency to lose all ability to see things reasonably and depress myself with all things negative. I found myself stuck in catastrophe mode since my mental breakdown.

The real question, could Doctor Harris pull me out of it and put me on the right path?

As I sat in Doctor Harris's office, I still felt like horse manure. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed deeply into the pillows of her office couch. Doctor Harris crossed her legs and leaned back into her swivel desk chair. She rested her yellow notepad on her knee, as usual, while her green eyes bore into me. She waited for me to begin and when I didn't, she gave me a reassuring smile.

"How are you feeling today, Cadence?" She inquired.

"Mediocre. I do feel relieved that I shared my story. I feel like I can breathe and relax." I informed her as I played with the rubber band on my wrist.

"It is good that you were able to do that. If you were nervous, I couldn't tell."

"Really?" I asked her, shocked.

She nodded, "Truly. Your voice was calm and even, you face was pink, but that's normal with public speaking for most people."

"My heart was beating so loud, I swear everyone could hear it. I could feel it in my throat," I confessed to her.

She shook her head with a smile, "I'm sure no one heard your heartbeat except for you." She paused, "What are the top three good things that happened to you since we last met?" She asked, changing the topic.

I thought back to each day since our last meeting, trying to come up with the top three. I wanted to mention Griffin as one, if not all, but I knew that Doctor Harris wasn't exactly on board with two of her patients talking, let alone having any kind of relationship.

I opted with an answer that would satisfy her and I. "Someone showed me how much they cared about me."

"That's wonderful to hear," She replied. "What are the other two?" She asked as she scribbled on her notepad.