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Minivan

When I see a minivan, I think of the good old days when we used to own a minivan when we used to drive out to the beach and play in the sand.

I think of a happier time when my family was one when the thought of a divorce had not even begun.

When I see a minivan, I think of the days when me and my sister used to lay in the back of that van as we watched Veggie Tales and we didn't understand that we were poor.

We were too young to realize how old our van was and too young to realize that our dad was buzzed.

And that seems like a problem that should be solved

But I remember the day when I completely forget it all.

The rainy friday evening when I was walking home from school and I saw a minivan.

I saw a guy I thought was cool.

You know,
You girls have it lucky. You learn to be careful who you trust when a man breaks your heart and makes you cry. I learned to be careful who I trust after a man chose to stick himself inside me.

And now I spend every day thinking about that moment

The moment when I finally came home an realized that my innocence was not just taken, but stolen.

And that I'd wake up the very next day sore and swollen from what I caused.

Sore and swollen from me slamming my head against the wall of my room over and over again.

"You idiot. You know you shouldn't even communicate with strangers.
You put yourself at risk for an endless amount of danger.
And now you learn from your mistakes.
You learn that what it takes to be a real man is to not get raped."

I feel I will never become a man because of what happened that day.

And I will never forget how I lacked intelligence in every single way because I stepped into that van.

And that single decision allowed that man to violate a child, to violate me, to show me things that can't be unseen.

I allowed that man to break me.

And I allowed that man to take me away from a happy life.

My childhood was over that day.

And I kept wondering if doing this made me gay.

My thoughts were everywhere. Sane and insane.

Was I victim or just stupid? I couldn't think straight.

I was so damn confused. I am still confused.

I'm not quite sure if that man did what he had to do to me as a part of my fate.

Was I created to be broken?

Was I created as an extra human in society that should've never spoken?

Some companies create extra products because they expect to have some stolen, broken, and treated with no respect.

And that is who I am? I'm just an extra product?
And I have no luck at all?

I just wish I could speak to that man today.

I know exactly what I would want to say to him:

"Let's face it. Your life is coming to an end in the next decade or two.

But what about the kid you raped?

Imagine what he has to go through for the rest of his life.

You've shattered him, destroyed his mind.

And he'll spend the rest of his life just trying to find a reason to go on.

He needs a reason to stay strong.

He needs to learn somehow that there is nothing wrong with him.

This wasn't his fault...
But it was my fault.

I was the one who chose to be put in that place

I chose to look you in the face and say "Yes, sir. I would love a ride home.
It's raining pretty hard and I'm here alone.
I wouldn't want my new clothes to get wet."

But you turned that ride into a day I'll never forget.

A day that will haunt me every god damn night.

Have you ever seen a kid become frightened by the sight of a minivan?

It's pathetic."

I am pathetic.

I was drawn to that van as if I were magnetic.

You know, when I see a minivan, I think of the day I was raped.

I think of the day I walked home alone and could've easily escaped

And saved myself from stepping into that minivan.

I could've saved myself from letting that man's hand slide across my leg.

I could've prevented this.

I could've prevented that man from laying a kiss upon my face.

I am a disgrace.

I remember every little detail of that day

And I remember the millions of ways that I could've prevented myself from being killed.

I am dead on the inside. I can't forget that man.

And I can't even stare at another minivan ever again. It reminds of my childhood.

It reminds me of a time when everything was good.

But only for a second. After that I see the dark.

I see myself struggling to find some sort of spark to light myself up or maybe light myself on fire,

To somehow forget that I was just what that man desired.

And I ignore when they say "It's gonna be okay. You just gotta look ahead."

But it's just who I am and who I want to be. And who I am and who I want to be is dead.