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Mirage

It's April.

Baby if you are my addiction and this love is fiction, then I'll search love in the dictionary to understand what this friction between us really is.

And if you and I are just friends and I love you till the very end and your friends see the signals I send, then why can't you comprehend that I love you?

But you and I aren't official and I'm wondering why and it makes me want to die but I ain't gonna lie, I just want you by my side so I can stare into those fragile eyes and tell you that I'm happy.

I want to hold you tight against my chest. I want to let you rest so you can feel your best whenever life gives you a test. Darling, you don't look like a mess. You will always be prettier than the rest. Always.

And nobody can compare to you and it just isn't fair because your beauty is so rare. And I don't really care, but I still feel bad for the others that have to compete with perfection.

And now I'm counting down the months until I move from Lompoc to Eugene because once I'm in Oregon, I can be seen with you where I'll be standing next to you where the both of us will start to shape a future made for two.

It's May.

And I need these clocks to move faster because I want to hold you tight against my chest so you won't fall when we take flight.

I wanna soar above the heavens so you can look at your past life as an angel and see your future as a wife to a man who will do anything to make you happy.

I will do anything to make you happy.

And I wanna take you on cute dates to the mall where you can go shopping and I can fall over after the second store.

And I wanna lay on a couch all night and watch Netflix for about an hour or two. Hell, lets make it six.

And I wanna lay out in a field and look at the stars

And then realize how stupid we are when get back in the car and we're covered in grass.

I want memories for us to share.

I just want to be able to stare into your eyes while you smile at me.

And I want our first kiss to be a hint of our destiny.

Time is still ticking but not fast enough

These next few months will be a little more rough than I expected.

But I know you'll be worth the wait.

Until that first touch comes, the two of us should relate and build a stronger connection between our hearts and our minds.

And only prove ourselves that our meeting is a sign that we were created to love each other.

It's June.

And Darling, the only flaw I see in you is the fact that you believe you have flaws.

But you're beautiful. You are truly my addiction.

And I don't care if this love is fiction because I'll do whatever it takes to make this wish come true.

And I'll do what ever it takes.

Because I love you.

And I remember trying to get over my last breakup wondering what I'd do.

And getting frustrated at the thought of who would love a lowlife like me.

And I remember searching for myself and my lost confidence too, but I found something better. Baby, I found you.

I found happiness through one little smile, but I found a separation that stretched over miles.

Miles too far. And I remember singing happy birthday to you

And I remember blushing and smiling when you told me it was cute.

And I remember the day you told me you liked Pierce The Veil

One of my favorite bands and your comment made me feel every heartbeat pounding against my chest. Oh my god, this is paradise.

Who knew that a few little words could increase the size of my love for you.

It's July.

I'm enjoying my summer. I hope you are too.

I hope you were happy when you received the news that I'm coming to visit.

I wouldn't know...

You haven't replied since May...

I'm starting to fear the day that I walk up to your door. I'm not sure what's going on.

It's August.

These paragraphs are getting shorter each month and you still haven't replied?

I'm beginning to question why I keep coming back to this piece of paper.

It's September.

My birthday is on the 25th. Money is all I want.

Your sudden disappearance is still taunting me.

It's October.

Everyone will become more and more terrified as we approach the 31st... except me.

My fears will continue to grow beyond halloween.

It's November.

I'm thankful for having the chance to talk to you while I could.

I'm thankful for having my family say that I shouldn't even move to Oregon.

They're gonna miss me.

And I'll miss them too.

But will I miss you?

It's December.

These cold winter nights make my whole body numb, but I can still feel the pain.

One more month and I'll be in Eugene.

One more month that you still haven't been seen.

It's January.

I travel to your hometown to find you.

Nobody knows your name.

If I never find you, nothing will be the same anymore.

Nothing will ever be the same.

I need some sort of closure.

And then I see an opening.

It's April.

I awake from a coma. I don't remember a thing.

The doctors are shocked.

They tell me how I winged my body off a building.

How I claimed to hate being judged.

How me AND my girlfriend slowly nudged ourselves off that building.

Only I survived.

They bring me a notebook with bright blue writing on the inside.

Each page is a different message to me discussing my girlfriend's pride in our relationship.

Each page makes me smile.

Page 14 reads: "I know we've had some rough times lately. Unemployment, rehabilitation, and loneliness... But I believe we'll find some sort of solution to our problems. Who knows? Maybe you'll finally listen to me and we can move to Oregon together."

Page 15 reads: "This is it. My last entry in this notebook. Tomorrow me and you are climbing until we can't climb anymore. And we'll hold each other's hands as we fall to the cement that lies below us. I love you. I can't wait to die with you."

It's May.

I can walk on my own.

I'm writing with my own hand and pen.

But you're not here to witness it...

Nothing will ever be the same again.